Pitter Patter at the Patton House

Mother's Day

2009-05-11T16:10:00.000-07:00

Every Mother's Day our whole family gets together. It is great. I don't know when I would ever see my family if it weren't for my mom and dad doing this every year. This time I wanted to take some pictures of my wonderful cousin Sarah. I have been so blessed with such a great family including wonderful cousins. Emily loves Sarah so much. Sarah is so pretty, I only wish I had her figure!

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What some may never see

2009-04-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we were in the front yard and heard a fawn crying out. It was over 50 yards away...they are loud. We went and found it and took some pictures. We were careful not to touch it. I know you are wondering where the mother was, right?

It is normal for mother deer to leave their fawn alone for long periods of time to avoid attracting predators by the mother's scent (the young are odorless, therefore safer without mom around). The mom will usually leave them until all the after birth is gone and then she will go back and bring the baby home.

This baby was less then 24 hours old. He could hardly stand up. You can see his feet were still turned under. He was crying out, which most of them don't do. However he was hungry. He hasn't cried out since. However it was getting close to dark last night and he wanted some food. I am sure his mom wasn't far away but she wouldn't dare to come out until after dark.

Earlier in the morning I saw another doe go and pick up her young. The baby had been in this one spot since at least Saturday. Yesterday morning I saw a deer in the field walking to where this other baby was. It isn't normal so I watched her and saw her baby run to her, feed, and follow her off in the woods. It was time for the baby to be with its mom.

God is amazing.

Emily's first Dance Recital

2009-04-26T21:47:00.001-07:00

The Recital!

The pictures below are from Dress Rehersal. Emily was in a great mood that day. She didn't want to leave. She loved watching all the older girls dance.

This weekend was Emily's first Dance Recital. Emily has been in a mommy and me dance class since October of last year. Yes I said Mommy and me. However this mommy never danced. I always stayed off to the side and watched. Emily loved it most days but then there were days that she didn't want to go but we went anyway and most of the time she still did great when we got there.

One thing I didn't know when we signed up was that there would actually be a recital and I would have to be in it with her, hence, Mommy and Me. When I found out we were already 3 months into it and Emily was loving going to dance every week, so I couldn't back out. During the recital I stood behind her as the other moms stood behind their child. The moms didn't really do much but you can imagine having to be on stage in front of people at the age of 33. I was so nervous. I guess I really got a taste of how it is to want your child to be good at something. I was so worried that she would clam up and even start to cry and want me to hold her...as 2 out of the 10 girls did.

Not only was I scared but I have to admit, I teared up back stage. As we were waiting to go on I realized my little girl was grown up. I mean her first dance recital. She will be 3 in July. Tom me that sounds so young but it isn't. I am starting to think about her first day at school, her first sleep over, her leaving home to go to college. I mean I know I have to let her grow up but it is so hard and it hasn't even gotten to the hard part yet. I never thought I would be the mom that didn't want to let go, but I don't want to let go. I guess this recital was good for me because it was taking a big step. A step on a big stage standing behind my little girl, not holding my baby. It is so sad.

The good news. She danced her heart out. She made me so proud. I hopefully will have the video to post soon but I can tell you she did great. I know any mom would say their child did great but she really did, even other people say she did. Yes they were all family members but still you get the point. :)

Since I was on stage, I didn't get to take the pictures but my husband did what he could..LOL Here are some from Dress Rehersal Friday night that I took and a few from her performance on Saturday! They really grow up fast don't they!

I had told Emily if she did good I would buy her a new doll. (I had to give her something to look forward to) However, thanks to her Nana I didn't have to buy her anything! Her nana gave her this cute Angelina that now goes where she goes. I think since she got it she didn't want anything else. We went shopping but she told me she didn't want anything. (what a girl:)

For those that came....thank you for your love and support. Emily and I really appreciated it!

Sarah this is for you!

2009-04-26T21:32:00.000-07:00

Hope you all had a great Easter..

My cuz has asked me a time or two about our Easter pictures. I didn't realize I hadn't put them online. I have been so busy taking picture for other people that I forgot to do anything with my own. I love doing photography and have been blessed with how everything is going with it but it does keep me busy.

So Sarah this post is for you! Thanks for reminding me...and for checking my blog!

I love you girly.

Patton Photography

2009-04-03T10:22:00.001-07:00

View my new blog... www.michellepattonphotography.blogspot.com

Spring DSL line

2009-03-31T06:36:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures of the shoot we had yesterday for DSL kids clothing. There are some great spring clothes. We were lucky to have a pretty day for shooting.

See more clothes at http://www.dottiestripelayne.etsy.com/

It's been awhile

2009-03-23T05:48:00.000-07:00

I just realized I haven't posted on here in over a month. I am so sorry. I guess since we moved to the country we have been staying busy. So much to do out here.

A little update. I have two more weddings that I will be taking pictures at, one in April and the other in September. I am so excited. I pray that God will help me grow this into a career. I love photography and am teaching myself more and more everyday. I am doing everything I can to take this to the next level. Of course having a great model helps!

I just got a new camera last week. I haven't taken any pictures with it yet, but they are coming. Here are some pictures I did talk with my other camera last week. Enjoy. I promise to keep up with this more often!

Valentine's Day

2009-02-13T19:04:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures I took today of Emily. It was a great Friday! We also went fishing today for the first time so I caught a picture of that as well. Emily loved fishing. A girl from my own heart! There are more pictures on my photography website, check it out... http://pattonphotography.shutterfly.com/ Also, check out Emily's jewelry she has on, I made it! See my special for photography sessions below!

Patton Photography Special
Schedule your photo session before the end of February and save money! As long as your appointment date is before April 1st, 2009 you will receive $20.00 off your session price. A session includes one hour, on-location sitting for up to 4 people. Approximately one week after your session you will receive a free CD of the pictures taken during your session. Custom prints and other sizes are available. Please feel free to contact me by phone or email for detailed pricing and information.

If you do not have a specific location that you would like your pictures taken, you can come here to my home in Buffalo, SC.

I look forward to capturing your memories with you!

Happy Valentine’s Day,

Michelle Patton
http://pattonphotography.shutterfly.com/
Buffalo, SC 29321
(864) 580-1582

God is so great

2009-02-01T20:51:00.000-08:00

One of the best things about the country is being able to enjoy all the great things God has made for us. Emily loves to ride the roads and see deer and ducks. We got really close to the deer today, closer then normal, maybe next time we will get a picture of a buck!

The ducks are finally getting use to us. They don't like it when we walk down to them but are okay usually with us being in the car....doesn't make since to me! Maybe soon they will come closer!

Guardian Angels go everywhere

2009-01-16T13:08:00.000-08:00

It feels like forever since I have written I was proud when I signed on toe see I did post pictures less then a month ago! Things have been crazy, we are moving and will be fully moved a week from today. Thank goodness. I am so ready for it to be over!

So much has happened over the last two days I couldn't resist, I had to write about it. If you read my story before about my Papa being Emily's guardian angel then you will know where this post is coming from. Long story short, I have always believed that My Papa was around me and since Emily has come into this world I have felt that he was with her. She has in some ways confirmed that.

Wednesday this week we were cleaning out of room and I took the picture down that has been in the same spot in her room since before she was born. As I took it down I asked her who it was and she said Papa, mommy's Papa. I asked her if she had ever seen him and she said yes, in my bed. His picture has always been over her bed and at times I have seen the shadow on the monitor move across her bed. I asked her if he said anything and she said yes, he said he loved Emily. I started to cry and of course Emily held me! I know kids have an imagination and sometimes just say whatever they want to but deep down I believed her and felt so warm inside as I watched her say again that is Mommy's papa.

Then there was yesterday. We were on the way to see Elmo Live, which Emily has been so excited about. This was our first time ever doing anything like that. You know how kids just talk about whatever in the car and sometimes they aren't really talking to you. I think she just likes to hear herself talk. Anyway, I heard, " go see Elmo, mommy, emmy, mommy papa." Of course I about ran off the road. I asked her what she just said and she said the same thing again. I asked her where Mommy's papa was and she said right here by my seat! What do you say to that? Speechless! I just grinned. I guess he went with us and I didn't even have to pay for Papa a ticket! I am so glad he is still here with us, it amazes me in so many ways. We are so lucky!

Here are a few pictures from Elmo

Christmas has come and gone

2008-12-27T20:12:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay but as you can imagine, the last few weeks have been crazy. This year Emily had so much fun during the holidays but she is so worn out. I know she can't wait to get back on schedule, poor thing hasn't had a real nap in forever!

Emily finally realized that Santa is a good guy and he gave her the Red Bear she asked for. Now I can hang the whole, you better be nice thing over her head! All in all Christmas was great! Emily got a little kitchen, a red bear, books, apron and a few little things from SANTA. She also got 2 mickey mouses (that I love) a mickey robe, wallet, and scarf from her Uncle Kevin! He always did give great gifts! She got a chalk board, golf clubs, plastic food she can cut, a lot of books, cookie cutters, clothes, a new cash register, a doll bed, and so much more from the family. One of Emily's favorite gifts was a kitten from her Papa! Now the question is what do I do with everything!

I finished taking down the Christmas stuff today. I don't know what it is but I look so forward to putting everything up but as soon as Christmas night comes, I am ready to take it all down. I dread it so much I guess that I am just ready to do it and get it over with. Also, since we are moving in the next few weeks, I am ready to get the house to normal so we can put it on the market. So much to do and so little time!

Anyway, Christmas is over but it was great! I love being with everyone during the holidays, and I love the whole reason for the season. I was so happy that this year Emily understood everything. We worked on the nativity sets that we had out. This year she was actually able to pick out Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. It is so sweet when she says their names. It is amazing how last year at this time she couldn't say much and now she is saying everything. Where does the time go?

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, here are a few pictures from our Christmas!

All I want for Christmas

2008-12-16T21:06:00.000-08:00

Okay. I have been pretty slack lately. Sorry about that but you know how things go around the holidays! Here is a quick update...we are moving! YEA. We are moving to the woods. We won't actually move until January or February 2009, (can you believe it is almost 2009) Anyway, we are getting things ready to move, I am anyway. I have moved some small items in but can't really do anything else until they finish painting the new house...I am so ready to get out of this on. I don't know what it is but we have lived here only 4 years and I am tired of living here. I guess with a child you just collect even more junk. I feel like I have no room here at all. I know I do but the OCD in me says I don't.

The other thing going on was tonight we went to see Santa with Emily's man Grant. What is it about a trip to the mall? I didn't think I would see anyone and instead I saw everyone. Go figure!

Anyway a few weeks ago Emily and I were at the mall and she said she wanted to see Santa but when I took her up there she wouldn't even look at him or get near him so I figured if she saw Grant do it then she would do it...and of course mom's are right! It worked. She was such a champ. I think she actually told him something. Of course I know what she wants...my simple child only wants, A RED BEAR. Isn't that sweet! I hope she sticks to one thing small every year! Here are some pictures I took!

My first wedding

2008-12-02T12:20:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I was able to take pictures of a wedding for the first time. I am so excited about people asking me to take pictures for them. Come to find out, I have pretty good prices! I really hope this part-time hobby becomes a full-time job. I just love taking pictures.

Over the last two years since Emily was born I have grown fonder of taking pictures, specially children pictures. Go figure! I love the eyes of a child. I love trying to figure out what they are thinking and watching how they react to the camera, and/or their mommy standing behind me making silly faces. There is nothing more precious then a child's smile, however adults need pictures of themselves too. I have realized I can do more then just children. I really enjoyed doing this wedding. It was a big step and a big task, even for a small wedding but I couldn't be happier with the turn out. I was so glad I got this opportunity.

I look forward to taking more pictures and to taking some photography classes this winter. Here are a few pictures of the wedding. You can see more at my website - http://pattonphotography.shutterfly.com/

DSL Winter Line

2008-11-23T19:58:00.000-08:00

Today was a beautiful day, which was great. I took pictures today for Chrissy the owner and designer of DSL Kids - http://www.dottiestriplayne.etsy.com/. I was amazed at the cute clothes. I could never put together what Chrissy puts together. She is so talented. I am amazed at all the new things she comes up with.

The girls did really great today...and the baby boy. He is so cute. It is so funny to watch the girls during these photoshoots. You can really tell that they love clothes, already! You can also tell when they have on their favorite outfit! Can you guess my favorite? What is your favorite?

If you want some really cute clothes check out her website!

Appendicitis

2008-11-20T11:45:00.001-08:00

So here is the story. Last Friday I started hurting around the right side of my belly button. I thought I had pulled a muscle. It started Friday morning. That night I went to dinner for my Father-In-Laws birthday...I felt like crap but I didn't let it on. Emily stayed with my mom that night because I had school the next day...yes on Saturday. Again, I still didn't feel good but I didn't think I was that bad off.

I have always said I could take pain, at least abdominal pain, I mean after 2 liproscopic surgeries for endometrious (spelling), pregnancy, a cesarean, a d&c, what else could be worse? Let me answer that for you....APPENDIX. I have never went to the emergency room but after trying to go to sleep Friday night/Sat Morning I found myself thinking this would be the first emergency room trip. At about 3 am Saturday morning I was sitting there watching TV (couldn't sleep, couldn't lay on either side) I said a little prayer..."God if we are going to do this we need to do it. If I am suppose to go to the emergency room then tell me now because otherwise I am not going." About that time the worse pain of all come over me in my lower right side. After getting my breath back and saying, "okay I can take a hint." I ran to get my husband. I told him I needed him to take me to the hospital. He jumped up so fast....(if you know my husband, nothing wakes him so I was really surprised) I told him to calm down it wasn't an emergency yet. (then I thought why am I going again)

At 4am we were at Sptbg Regional. At about & 8am we were told it was the appendix. I went into surgery at about 11am (yes it takes that long to get everything together). The good news is I was able to come home the same day at about 4pm. I would have signed myself out if they wouldn't have let me leave.

The doctor said he knew I was in major pain because the appendix had not yet burst but was really bad. They had to take all of it, which means they had to actually clip off some of my large intestine to make sure it was all gone. I have 3 cuts on me which are no big deal except the one at my belly button, it does bother me. The main thing is I am not suppose to lift for at least 4 weeks. (NEVER GONNA HAPPEN) I think the doctor forgot about Christmas decorations, taking out the trash, washing clothes, and lets not forget the child of mine. I could get a hernia from any lifting so I don't want to but then again...what do you do? We all know a mom and a wife can't just stop for 4 weeks.

I have been good, up until yesterday. The last two days I have been moving around a lot and I can feel it. I feel burning in my stomach...muscles I guess but I can handle it. I go back to the doctor on Monday and we are going to talk about this 4 weeks deal and see just what all I can and can't do...or should I say what all I am suppose to not do! I can be so hard headed!

The Facts

Just so you know there is no clear cause of appendicitis. Fecal material has been thought to be one possible obstructing object. It also appears that appendicitis is not hereditary or transmittable from person to person. Symptoms of appendicitis may take 4-48 hours to develop. Appendicitis typically begins with a vague pain in the middle of the abdomen often near the navel or "belly button". The pain slowly moves to the right lower abdomen (toward the right hip). In the classic description, abdominal pain is accompanied with nausea, vomiting, lack of appetite, and fever. All of these symptoms, however, occur in fewer than half of people who develop appendicitis. More commonly, people with appendicitis often have any combination of these symptoms, I only had the abdominal pain and some dizziness.

Not much is known about the human appendix because studies on the appendix are difficult to conduct. Doctors have debated the exact function of the organ for years, as removal causes no noticeable symptoms.

Thank you all for your prayers, emails, and flowers. I love you all!

Bye Bye

2008-11-16T09:29:00.000-08:00

Short and sweet. I lost my appendix yesterday. I will write more later. Now a part of me is gone!

My website

2008-11-13T02:35:00.000-08:00

There is one reason I have been slack at posting...check out my new photography website....
http://pattonphotography.shutterfly.com

THE FLU

2008-11-13T02:18:00.001-08:00

Today we went to get Emily's flu shot. I was going to do the flu mist but then I found out it was $74.00. I told Emily I was sorry but she was going to have to do the shot for $38.00. I hated having to put her through the whole shot thing but I didn't really have a choice.

I reminded Emily of a few months ago when I had to go to the doctor every week to get my blood drawn to check my HCG levels (usually she went with me). I asked her if she remembered mommy getting all those "boo boos" and she said yes. I said, mommy didn't cry did she? She said no. I explained to her that she was a big girl like her mommy and therefore when she got her shot she shouldn't cry. She acted like she knew what I was talking but I figured it wouldn't matter once she got the shot.

We got in the room and nurse came in. I put Emily on the table and held her little arms as the nurse gave her the shot in her leg. Emily looked into my eyes the whole time. She didn't even frown. Not a tear. I grabbed her up and gave her the biggest hug and told her I was so proud of her for being such a big girl like mommy. She just smiled. I made such a big deal about it. I told her we had to call everyone and tell them that Emily didn't cry. She said, "it no hurt, I no cry." It was so sweet! I was just so proud of her! I mean really, you know your child is growing up when she gets a shot and doesn't cry. What mom wouldn't be excited about that?

Trick-or-Treat

2008-11-04T12:00:00.000-08:00

This was Emily's really first time trick-or-treating and it was so much fun. Emily was so tired by from walking so much. Those poor little legs got a good workout. We went with her Nana, and of course her boyfriend Grant and his family. My only question is...what do we do with all of this candy?

Wheels on the bus

2008-10-30T19:14:00.000-07:00

I am not so sure why this video is so messed up looking but hopefully you can still see how much Emily likes her dance class. They got to dress in their halloween costumes this week. She did so good. In case you can't tell Emily is the bee, the one in the yellow and black.

Wellford Halloween Festival

2008-10-29T19:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight Emily got to wear her costume to Wellford Baptist Church's festival. She was so excited to get candy. That scares me! Her costume was made by Chrissy at http://www.dottiestripelayne.etsy.com/ and her trick or treat bag was made by Anna at http://www.brownbagboutique.etsy.com/. I know she is so spoiled! Here are a few pictures.

An amazing day

2008-10-27T11:20:00.001-07:00

I must confess, I love taking pictures! It is always hard to find really great places around here to take pictures, that is Spartanburg! Finally I have found somewhere I love, Glassy Mountain. I had never been up on Glassy Mountain but I got the chance to yesterday. It is beautiful on top and from below.

I went up there with Rhianon Pittman. She wanted me to take some pictures for her Bridal portrait, only I didn't know the beauty that would be surrounding us. Rhianon looked amazing and the background just added to her beauty. I am posting just a few of the 443 pictures I took yesterday. I loved every minute of it, Rhianon should be a model she was great, she has such a natural beauty. This is the first time I have ever done a bridal portrait session. We took pictures for 3 and 1/2 hours. I couldn't stop. I was so lucky, I had a great model and a great location!

Billy Bob

2008-10-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

I have had this thing about naming bucks that I see when I am hunting and I saw one yesterday that I call Billy Bob. Let me tell you a little about Billy Bob.

Two years ago I hunted this one stand (hunters don't tell where the good ones are) that afternoon I saw a deer I call Fred and another one I use to say was Fred's dad. I now call him Billy Bob. I couldn't get a shot at Billy Bob 2 years ago because he stepped out right at dark and for a split second. No one else really hunted this stand for 2 years at least those that did, didn't see Fred nor Billy Bob. Yesterday morning I decided to go back there. At about dawn out stepped Fred. I know it was him. I couldn't believe it. However, I didn't shoot him. One it was really early and shooting one that early would make others not come out at all, besides, it was Fred. I was just happy to see him. Fred is a tall deer, even his rack is really tall, not wide just tall. I like deer with wide racks so I kind of wasn't after Fred. After another hour of sitting there out of the corner of my eye about 100+ yards away I saw a wide rack...Billy Bob. I know from the looks of the rack this was the same deer I saw with Fred 2 years ago. You ask how I really know? Well I just do. They are in the same territory the were two years ago, they have the same amount of points and their racks are the same size as 2 years ago. Not really size but the same structure.

Anyway, of course Billy Bob was really sneaky and out for only a second, so I didn't shoot. I wanted to go back yesterday night and see if I saw him again. I was in the stand about 45 minutes when out stepped 4 does and a few minutes later down the road to my right was a big deer standing in the middle of the road. The sun was setting behind him. The sun was in my scope so I couldn't see him to shoot but he stood there like I have never seen. He didn't move for over 10 minutes. I looked back at the deer to my left, the does, and back in the lower field behind them was Fred. He ran up to within 30 yards from the stand and started eating. Most bucks if you know don't just come out so easily but I was lucky. I looked back and Billy Bob was still there. That was actually the time I named him Billy Bob ( I don't know why that name, just came to me) Billy Bob was looking right at Fred and Fred at him. I figure they were going to start to fight but at the same time they were so far apart I didn't know where they would run so I had to make my move. It was about then that the sun went behind a cloud and as Billy Bob took a step I shot. Fred ran off but the does that were within 30 yards of me behind me stayed there eating. Billy Bob ran off. I was so afraid I missed. I was shaking so bad. I called my husband in the stand (go Verizon) I wanted him to stop his hunt and come and help me find Billy Bob but about that time I heard a shot. He had shot too.

Long story short, my does stayed there until I got out of the stand, even after I stood up in the stand and yelled at them. My husband and I went to look for his deer, we found it, and 8 point with a 22 inch spread, with a small body. It was too dark to really look for Billy Bob. We didn't find any blood so I figured I missed, but deep down I know I didn't. We came home and I was really upset. I was mad too that we looked for his deer and found it and didn't look for mine. He promised that he would go look for it and today he and my dad did. It was luck they found it. Actually a good friend of my dad's found it (thanks God for him). Billy Bob was laying down in the woods almost behind the stand. He was a 9 point with a 18 1/2 inch spread and a big body. He had scares on him from all the fighting he had been doing. Billy Bob is the second Buck I have ever killed and the biggest. I thank God for Billy Bob!

Here he is. If you don't like this kind of thing, don't look any further!

Are animals really different then humans?

2008-10-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

As most of you know I deer hunt. I have hunted with my dad since high school and now I hunt with him and my husband. No we don't shoot everything we see and yes we do eat the meet! Yesterday my husband and I went to site my gun in. After we sited it in we were driving around in my husbands LOUD PICK-UP TRUCK...as we turned a corner he saw a doe (female deer) she saw us and ran off but a few yards behind her in the middle of the road were two bucks fighting! I have never in all my years seen such, more have many people. We were actually able to DRIVE close to them, get out of the truck and WALK within 30 yards of them. I had my gun of course just in case. No I didn't shoot one! They were young deer for one and I was really way too amazed by the actual event. These deer were young and small body but really big racks. They were both 8 points and outside the ears. The biggest look to have a 22 inch spread (WHICH IS REALLY GOOD.

We watched them fight and get their antlers hung together and then unhung. The biggest one would push the other deer up and down the hill, and then stuck his antlers into the side of his neck. It was amazing, there is no telling how long they were fighting before we got there. Not only is it rare to see this, it is even more rare to be standing on ground level within 30 yards from this happening. It was a once in a life time event. Of course the big deer won!

If you are wondering why they were fighting, the were fighting over the doe. MEN right:) It is kind of like a high school thing. There is a good looking girl just minding her business and this boy comes along to try to get his way with her, she says no but he still follows her and talks to her...trying his best, then another boy hears this and goes to check out what is going on. Once he gets there he looks at the first boy the wrong way and BANG.....the fight starts. The girl....stands there for a minute and leaves while the two boys have it out. By the time they got done fighting she was far away, (she ran off this time because we scared her once she saw us but normally the will leave the scene) These two males had one thing on their mind...sex...and they didn't want anyone to get in the way of it so they fought over the female to prove who was the best and to whom she belonged. She showed them....she left. The female wasn't really wanting sex right now...she wasn't in heat just yet but the men were. Go figure!

It is so funny how nature works. It is so hard to see a big buck anytime, because they seem to be somewhat more cautious then the female. The usually come out alone and usually come out right at or after dark or when no one is really hunting and that is if they come out where you can see them. That is part of the Hunt. However, when the boys smell that the women are going to be coming into heat, they get dumb, as did these two deer. The rut (spelling) is when the breeding takes place and once the cold weather starts the deer actually start. In a few days or another week the women will actually stand for the bucks but until then the bucks will drive them crazy and continue to get even more DUMB.

I guess animals are more like humans then most people think!

Of course I didn't have my camera with me so I have no pictures of this for you to see but here are some Emily and I did today! IT IS FINALLY FALL. I LOVE IT

Dancing a new dance

2008-10-09T15:36:00.000-07:00

We finally found a dance class. It is a mommy and me class and we love the instructor, Mrs. Jennifer. Emily actually started the class last week, but I didn't want to walk in with a camera the first day! However, I couldn't wait long! This week she wore the tutu that was given to her by Alivia her friend from http://www.dottiestripelayne.etsy.com/. Everyone loved her new tutu.

Fall is here!

2008-09-29T19:23:00.001-07:00

Today was my first time doing a real photo shoot for Chrissy with at http://www.dottiestripelayne.etsy.com/ . Emily got to model some clothes which was fun but the other two girls are wonderful models. I couldn't believe how they could just pose on key. Here are some of the pictures. Chrissy makes the cutest outfits and these pictures just show a few of them. You have to check out her site to see the rest!

My favorite outfit is the Carolina Gamecock one and Emily just looked too cute in it. All the girls loved dressing in their Halloween costumes that Chrissy made, I couldn't pick a favorite out of those! The girls did great. They changed clothes and took pictures for 2 and 1/2 hours and still had energy to run around! It was a fun afternoon.

Just In...

2008-09-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

Here is a new bracelet I just made. I love this new design!

I am not posting much of my jewelry on my Etsy site right now because I have so many shows coming up, however I would love to know what you think of this new bracelet!

Spider in the window

2008-09-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

My husband left the window down to his truck last night and you won't believe what was in there this morning...a SPIDER. I huge Spider! The web takes up the whole drivers seat. I just had to take a picture. Needless to say I won't be riding in that truck for a very long time!

Life changing trip

2008-09-19T19:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went on a trip with my mom to Duke, we just got back today. My mom is a survivor for those that didn't know. She was diagnosed with breast cancer several years ago and everything turned out really good for her, for all of us. She survived it! She has been going to Duke now yearly for her check ups, as they are the best around. This time I went with here. Emily stayed at home with my dad. (I know weird ugh, he actually did a great job)

Anyway, if you don't know, Duke is in Durham, NC and let me tell you...it is a long drive. My mom drove the first part and I drove the second part. We decided to go to Raleigh to see my cousin Jennifer and my new baby cousin Charlotte and of course Sam and Tim. Needless to say this made the trip longer because we had no idea where we were going but it was worth it.

I finally got to hold another of God's miracles...Charlotte. She is around 2 months old and so full of life. A short version of their story...When Jennifer was pregnant she was told that Charlotte had aortic stenosis, a congenital heart defect that caused her aortic valve and her aorta to be too small. As if that wasn't enough, one of her heart chambers was also enlarged. So Charlotte is really a true blessing from God, and she is as healthy as ever. She just smiled at me and laughed with me. (I guess I am pretty funny to look at) You would never know by looking at her, that she wasn't just like any other child. We are so grateful for all God has done for Charlotte and her family. I must say being a mother is hard but Jennifer and Tim have not only done a great job with their almost 3 year old son Sam but they have done one amazing job at helping keep Charlotte healthy and alive. It takes special people to go through what they did for 9 months and now the rest of Charlotte's life. To trust so much in the Lord, to not ask why, just accept it and move forward. They are so strong, I only dream of being that strong.

I was going to go back to see them on Friday while my mom was at Duke, but I knew I would get lost so I decided to accompany my mom to her doctor appointment. Her appointment was 3 1/2 hours, maybe longer. We got there just before 8am and left a little after 11am. You wouldn't believe how big this place was and how nice everyone there was. People in North Carolina are really nice.

First we went to a waiting room to register and then they called my mom back and took her blood. Then they sent us to another waiting area where she registered for a mammogram, then we waited for some lady to come and get us to walk us to yet another room. (the worse room of all) Picture this...a small room with 11 chairs, in those chairs are women from ages 18 to 80 and each women has on the same washed a million times too big or small gown. Yep, this room is full of women waiting to get a mammograms. Needless to say I was the only one not in a gown, thankfully. My mom waited about 35 minutes before she was called back and then she was in the back about 15 minutes and then she waited another 20 minutes for her results. This whole time I watched those 11 chairs fill up 3 times. With every person that sat down, my eyes went to them, curious as to what their story was. I couldn't help but to look at the chest of everyone women in their, as was everyone else. At least I wasn't doing the obvious, acting like I was reading only to glance around the room as I turned to the next article. Nope, I just glanced around while I made jewelry! You really did wonder if everyone of those 33 women in about an hours time had cancer or had had it. Then you wondered too, why hasn't someone determined where cancer comes from and how can we stop it from happening. It really makes you grateful when you go into a place like that. So grateful for having breast and being healthy and alive, and so grateful my mom is here with us.

After the results came back we went back to where we started, the first waiting room so that mom could see the actual doctor. That really only took about 30 minutes and it went by really fast because I sat there and talked to people. I was making jewelry so everyone wanted to know what I was doing. This one lady came up to me and she had no hair and a hat on to cover it. I couldn't help but to melt. I mean you hear of cancer but until you actually are around people that are showing signs of it, you don't really realize how bad it is. My mom caught hers early and didn't have to go through Kimo, she was really lucky so to speak. Unless someone told you , you would have never known that she had cancer (she was so strong through it all and still is). When I looked into the eyes of this lady, I realized how thankful and lucky I am to have my mom healthy and here. I just wanted to hug this lady. I felt so sorry for her but as I felt sorry, she smiled. I knew then that she had to have faith in God. I know that was what made my mom so strong during it all and I could see that strength in this lady's eyes too.

I was so glad that I went with my mom this weekend. We haven't been able to spend much one on one time together since Emily was born. If you know how grandparents are...it's all about the grandchild but the last 48 hours it was about my mom and me and I am so happy to call her my mom.

Almost

2008-09-16T21:06:00.000-07:00

Alivia's tutu was made by Chrissy at http://www.dottiestripelayne.etsy.com/.

Today was a big day for Emily. She was going to start dance class with her friend Alivia (in the picture here with her) however it didn't work out like we thought it would. I found out about 2 hours before the class that Emily was too young, she needed to be 3. The lady at Miss Marion's didn't tell me that yesterday when I went up there and signed up instead I get told right before class. I wasn't very happy that I had spent money on shoes and clothes and then was told she couldn't take the class. I asked the Miss Lori at Miss Marion's if Emily could at least come today since I had already promised her she would get to wear her NEW TAP shoes and NEW BALLET shoes and see Alivia. (crazy I know, I just have to keep my promises to everyone even a 26 month old) Miss Lori agreed that she could come today but she didn't seem happy about it. (it was their mistake)

Once we were there Miss Lori didn't speak much to me at all and didn't say anything to Emily. Emily did great, she walked in the room with Alivia...holding her hand, it was so sweet. Once the door shut we ran to the window to see what would happen. Emily stood in line with Alivia and actually did some of the steps...she was late on them but it was her first dance experience and as any mother would say about their child...SHE DID GREAT, except there were two times when she walked out of the line to go climb on the red mat (I mean why even have that in there:)) so besides that she was good. However, the story doesn't end there.

Miss Lori corrected another kid that wanted to follow Emily over to the mat by saying..."no we don't do that, she is a baby (meaning Emily was a baby) and we don't do that." Well I had to hold down my lips to keep from screaming and plant my feet on the ground to keep from running in there and pulling Emily out of the class. She was the youngest out of 4 kids but she was no baby, she was actually only a few month younger then the child Miss Lori corrected. I know it doesn't sound like much but the way she said it...just got to me.

I was so upset for Emily. I know she didn't know that Miss Lori didn't want her there and she didn't know that she was the youngest nor did she know or understand what Miss Lori had said but I knew and I didn't like the way she was being treated. She was for the first time in her little life..THE OUTSIDER.

A few minutes later it was time for the girls to change shoes and Alivia took Emily's hand and gave her her shoes and Miss Lori helped put them on, only to find out the new shoes were too small so Miss Lori called me in there to inform me they were too small. I just told her I would take them back. She said Emily was welcome to stay in there the rest of the class but she really needed to be in another class called the Mommy and Me class....which no one else had told me about when I called up there yesterday. So I just told her since her shoes didn't fit we would just go. So we left.

I want to do the Mommy and Me class for Emily, because she has been dancing all day since class and she was so confused when we left and the other girls didn't. I felt so bad for her. On the other hand I don't want to take the Mommy and Me class because I really don't like the way that Miss Lori treated Emily. I can see people having a bad day and especially when you are trying to teach something to 4 toddlers but when you have bad days you can't take it out on children. When we are upset or angry they can feel that. I know Emily felt it. As a mother we can feel their pain, they excitement. I just feel such a bond with Emily that I know what she is thinking most of the time. She shouldn't have been an outsider. No child should be especially at 26 months!

So if anyone reads this and knows of any dance place that takes children age 2 and up please let me know. I really want her to have this opportunity but I don't want it to be at Miss Marion's in Spartanburg, SC.

For what it is worth she looked cute!

A new friend

2008-09-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

Today Emily played with Alivia. Alivia's aunt Chrissy made Emily's Birthday outfit and now has made another outfit for Emily that you will see soon. You can see more of her items at her etsy store - http://www.dottiestripelayne.etsy.com/. Since both girls stay at home we figured it would be a great idea to get them together to play. They had so much fun. By the end of the morning you would have thought they were sisters. Emily followed Alivia everywhere. I couldn't help but take my camera and I was so glad I did. Alivia is so photogenic I got some great shots of her. Thanks Chrissy and Alivia:)

Watching her boyfriend play soccer

2008-09-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Emily got to watch her boyfriend Grant play Soccer. It was so much fun. If you have never seen 3 and 4 year old play soccer, you must. After the game Grant came over and hugged Emily and then he shared his snack with her. There was another boy there named Blake who also wanted to share his food with Emily. She already has boys giving her gifts. She was so cute though she went and sat down beside Grant and ate his cookies with him. Such a cute couple!

Picture day

2008-09-10T17:42:00.000-07:00

Emily got to see her boyfriend today. We took some great pictures. Here are a few. They really are a cute couple! It's been awhile since I Emily and I have had picture day. It was worth the wait she did great!

Party time

2008-09-06T11:43:00.000-07:00

We went to Ally's birthday party today and had so much fun. Emily loved the little playground there. Of course she didn't eat any of the cake and only a few bites of ice cream. I wish I could turn things down like she can! Here are a few pictures, you will see she played hard, she was hot!

Check out my latest cake

2008-09-05T15:38:00.000-07:00

It's almost finished! I just had to put a picture up of this one. I made this cake for my neighbor's little girl's 2nd Birthday. I love it!

New items up!

2008-08-31T11:05:00.001-07:00

These are such fun bracelets to wear!

Check me out on etsy at dotteddeerboutique.etsy.com

New items will be posted weekly!

Teaching her right

2008-08-30T07:21:00.001-07:00

You know you have started raising your child right when you're driving down the road and you hear her in the back seat saying,"mommy, daddy, mimi, papa, mimi, nana, everybody." There was no wondering what she was doing, I knew, she was praying. That is how we end our prayer at night, by thanking and praying for everyone in the family and our friends. It was so sweet that she was praying during the middle of the day, by herself, as we were going down the road. I couldn't believe it. I actually got a tear or two in my eye and a warmth came over me. Maybe she doesn't understand it all but I know God was listening to her and he knows what it all means.
I have always wondered how I would be as a mom. I have to say I have surprised myself. I am more understanding then I thought I would be. I have actually learned to be patient. I still have a lot of work to do but I think I am doing okay. There are those times I get so frustrated, what parent doesn't? I don't like it when Emily fights going to sleep or when she is whinny, says no, or constantly calling my name, however, I am so grateful for it all. You can't get too mad when you hear your little one call you mommy. Think about it, you have waited your life to be a parent and now there is someone to call you mommy. It is actually such a sweet thing to hear, even 100 times a day!

Oh and for all of those keeping up with it. My lab results came back better. My levels are low but I still have to go back on Tuesday to do them again. It is a wonder I have any blood left in me. I have to keep going until the get down to 0. I am not sure what number they are at now but the doctor was pleased they went down, however I was told if I start cramping or bleeding over the weekend to come in. That didn't make me feel any better, but I assume they have to tell everyone that!

Signs

2008-08-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

I am such a believer in signs. Signs are everywhere. I believe God points them out to us at certain times as a way to get our attention, to wake us up and tell us which way to go. The signs were everywhere the night I met Andrew. They were there when a Cesarean was scheduled for the birth of Emily. They were there during my D&C. I knew it was right since Dr. K was there, it was as if God was comforting me and letting me know this was what was suppose to happen.
So here is my question what is the sign he is showing me now?

I got a call today from Dr. K to come in and do blood work again. UGH. It just so happens that she saw me as I was walking out and she called me back into her office. (SIGN- she just so happen to see me and have time to talk to me) Then the confusing part. She told me that my harmon levels last week (a week after the D&C) were up. They were higher then they were before the D&C. What? She is as confused as I am. She just saw my chart today and she wanted me to come in asap to get another reading and tomorrow we will know more. She hopes they are down and if so that is great news, still doesn't explain why they were up last week but still it will be good news if they are going down. If they are going up or are still up...I have to go back asap. I have had no paid or anything since 2 days after the D&C so we aren't sure what is going on. I guess we will know tomorrow.

What confuses me is what is God telling me by all of this? I mean she said there is a slim chance I am pregnant, (haven't done anything to get that way and I have no symptom so I doubt that is it) however, all of this is thrown back in my face. I mean a week after my insides were cleaned out my body still said I was pregnant. Is God telling me I don't need to give up that I should still try or is he telling me to give it up this is too much mentally and physically? I just don't get this one. Just as I think it is all over and I am putting it all behind me...there it is all back in my face. What is going on? What is this all about? What do the signs mean?

The room is complete

2008-08-22T16:18:00.001-07:00

Emily now has a new room. A little bit of a big girls room. It is so cute. I love it! It is weird though that for a little over two years there has been the same crib in her room, on the same wall, with the same bedding and now it is gone. She is growing up!

While rearranging her room I realized just how much stuff she has. There is something on every wall, on every inch of the floor around the walls and her closet is packed. Isn't it amazing just how much stuff a child has? My parents said I had all kinds of fun toys but I don't remember them at all. I think they are telling a little lie! Who knows:) But I won't let Emily forget all that she has because I am taking pictures, mainly of the big stuff!

I don't have many pictures to look back on from when I was a kid and those I do have don't show many cool toys like Emily has. I didn't have a tent. I remember making them out of sheets and chairs. What fun it was back then but Emily has a really nice tent. I also don't remember having a high chair for my baby dolls or a little girl table but my parents said I did. They have no proof though! By me taking these pictures Emily will know in the years to come that I was telling the truth about all the cool things she played with. Just a little something to hang over her head! Kids these days are just so lucky!

Emily's New Bed

2008-08-19T13:34:00.000-07:00

Last night was Emily's first night sleeping in a new bed. Yea! I shouldn't be happy about Emily growing up but if you have ever lifted 27 pounds in and out of a crib 2 times a day, you would agree to let her grow... just a little.

It has been hard not lifting her, per doctor orders. The easies thing to do was to go ahead and get her a bed. I have been wanting to save my back the pain but I was going to wait until Christmas but no better time then the present. My husband didn't think she would stay in the bed so we left the crib up until we saw how she did. He was right, Sunday night she cried until she was put in her crib. On Monday she slept in her bed for her nap on Monday and I made such a big deal about it that she actually slept in it Monday night too. YEA, no more lifting!

As long as she continues to do good this week we are going to say goodbye to the crib. I can't wait to reorganize her room. It is amazing how much stuff you and your child can accumulate. Where will we put the crib?

A New Day

2008-08-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

I feel as if I am getting back to normal. Finally! I still can't lift anything over 10 pounds so today Emily climbed up in my bed and took a nap with me instead of in her crib. It was so sweet and I was so tired. After the nap I felt NEW. Maybe it was her waking me up by putting her little arm around me (okay she tried to put it around me, it wouldn't fit) or maybe it was when she scrunched up beside me as close as she could, or maybe it was the soft little kiss she gave me on my cheek. Regardless, whatever it was about that nap made me feel so much better. I kind of feel light and free, it could be the medicine:) but I think it is just God getting me back on my feet with Emily's help! All the prayers helped too. Thank you all!

2008-08-14T01:38:00.000-07:00

Little Girl Lost

A home was made for you

I felt it grow inside me

The door was open
But you never came in

I dreamt of holding you and seeing your face

but instead it's this part of my life I have to erase

My heart was once full but not anymore
there will always be something missing behind the closed door

I know you would have been a girl without a doubt
And forever in my life you will not be left out

I will remember the day your home was made
And I will remember when it was taken away

I will remember the joy you brought
And all the lessons that were taught

I love you little girl forever and always
But I can't cry anymore I have to wipe my eyes
...and close this door

Michelle Patton
August 13, 2008

Can't stop

2008-08-14T00:42:00.001-07:00

It is now 3:am and I am awake because Emily just screamed and cried out my name really loud. I jumped up so fast and looked at the video monitor and saw she was still asleep. I guess she was dreaming about me, it didn't sound like a good dream. She has called names out during the night before and mumbled (like her dad she talks in her sleep) but this one really scared me. However, the good news is she is still sleeping we didn't have to get her or anything.

She was so loud Andrew heard her. My husband sleeps like a rock and for him to hear her is very uncommon. Just has he said, "you want me to go get her", she stopped crying out. Normally I would get her during the night if she needed anything and Andrew would keep on sleeping. (he does just a great job at sleeping) Basically it should be this way since he is the one that needs to sleep. I know he needs to be 100% during the day at work so he can bring home the BACON and since my job is Emily, well, when she calls then my job starts back up. BUT this time would have been different...maybe. See with the D&C you aren't suppose to lift more then 10 pounds for a week. YEA RIGHT! So between us, if he wouldn't have woke up and she would have kept crying I would have went and got her....I guess GOD knew that so he kept her sleeping and woke Andrew up just in case.

Let's really think about this though. A lot of people that have a D&C have another child so unless you are a really relaxed parent tell me how you would not lift your child especially after just loosing your second or third. After the hospital I wanted so bad to just run and pick Emily up, but I didn't, not because of the pain and the grief but because I wasn't suppose to, that won't last long. I will be picking her up today for sure, I have to. Emily is not only my child but she is my life and my life can't stop because of all of this. I have to put the mental and physical pain aside and keep my focus on her. THAT IS WHAT MOMS DO.

How am I?

As far a me, in case you are wondering right now I am fine....can't sleep but fine. I will probobly start feeling the pain before long as I can tell the meds are getting weaker. I actually felt something when I JUMPED out of bed to check on Emily but that went away when I focused on her. I am going to try not to take any medicine today because I don't see me funcutioning very good with it and again, I will be here with Emily and drugs and kids don't mix. I think my dad and aunt are going to stop in to help out an hour or two and then my mom will be here after 5 to feed Emily and give her a bath so, I will have help until Andrew gets home. (Isn't family great) I will probobly rest when my mom gets here and then try to lay around for the most part of the day. Emily is so understanding. She gets it when I am down and she just does her own thing. Besides feeding her, changing her, and putting her in her crib I won't have to do anything tomorrow. Like I said God has already Blessed me not just with a child but with one like Emily. Normally we would go for a walk, go shopping, do crafts, play outside, and/or even have study time but for the next few days she is off the hook, she will have free time. YEA! Everything will be back to normal before long.

Written in the books

2008-08-13T18:59:00.000-07:00

This won't be long because I am still heavily medicated right now. I just wanted everyone to know that the D&C is over. Not much tissue was there which means I had already passed a lot of it last week (hince the pain and bleeding last week) For some reason my body was holding on to some part of the pregnancy still so the D&C was the way to go.

I know it was meant to be because my doctor actually was on the floor and did the procedure. Dr. S has been with me during all of this and he was going to do it during patients today but when I found out Dr. K was there too I told the nurse to tell her I was there and would like her to do it. This women is my doctor, my friend, and someone that means so much to me. She has done to 2 liposcopic surgeries on me in the past and another outpatient deal and now this. She just got back this week from being on with her own family illnesses, so she didn't know anything that was going on. She told me she could do this and hugged me big time. I knew she had had one herself years back. I felt bad for leaving Dr. S in the wind but there is no one that can replace Dr. K. So I know today was the day it was all suppose to happen and this was all preplanned even down to the surgeon. What was weird was last night I kept remembering Dr. K doing the other surgeries and was remembering how everything was okay before and this one would be ok too,And then at the hospital....there she was.
THANK YOU GOD again and again.

I wish I could write more but feeling sick so time to pass out....love you all and thanks for all the prayers.

Another night with no sleep

2008-08-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

Can't sleep, go figure. The doctor called me tonight and he agreed that a D&C was a good idea. I thought we would maybe do it Friday but he is thinking he may can do it tomorrow or Thursday. I guess he knows how important it is to get it all of this over with. So by the weekend I will no longer be pregnant. How do people do it?

The end of the road

2008-08-12T14:03:00.001-07:00

Well the doctor said that my levels did go up but everything else seemed to point to a miscarriage. There is still no sign of a fetal poll and now my uterus is thinning. My choices are to do blood work again and wait to pass everything naturally or to schedule a D&C. I couldn't decide at the doctors office, I couldn't really talk at all but as I was taking a shower an hour later I got this over powering feeling that I should just go ahead and schedule the D&C. So I got out and called the doctor. Now I wait to see when they can do it.

I never thought I would go this route but I never thought I would have to. As I am sad, I am still grateful. I know I say that now and when the D&C day comes I will probably be dieing inside but I know in my heart there is no baby inside me and I know that this is all the way it is suppose to be. I thank God for letting me have it easier then some and for those others I commend you because I couldn't imagine. I am lucky it is all happening this early and that there was never an actual fetus that formed so technically I am not getting rid of a baby, instead I am getting rid of what the baby should have been in but never was. I am actually just making my body come to it's senses and instead of my body thinking it is pregnant I am doing the D&C to tell it to WAKE UP AND get back to normal.

There is no explanation of why my levels keep going up and still there is no fetal poll and now my uterus is thinning...all of it is God doing his thing. Amazing how our body works, how he made it to work. We have an awesome God! Even when bad things happen they all happen for a good reason, sometimes we just don't know what that reason is.

To all of you that have sent emails and cards and comments. Thank you. Your prayers have made me so much stronger and they have helped in so many ways. I will be thinking of you all in the days to come. Let's just pray that no one has to go through any of this. I know there still will be times when it happens to people and just keep them in your prayers as well.

Thank you all. We love you!

A little to cheer about

2008-08-08T09:34:00.000-07:00

Here's a little something to cheer about. My Harmon levels went up but they are suppose to go up 66% every 3 days. Mine went from 627 to 978 in 2 days so as it isn't the best it still is good news. However my progesterone levels should be high and are very low. So the doctor gave me some pills to make my progesterone rise. He said if this pregnancy wasn't meant to be these pills wouldn't make something happen if it isn't suppose to. (Well of course not, God is the one in control, not a pill) However if it is suppose to be then they will help things move along. He didn't do an ultrasound because he said that it really was too early to tell anything and that I am bleeding but not like I would be during a miscarriage. That too means nothing because again, they just don't know. If my harmon levels had went down then they would know but since they went up...nothing is known at this time. I have to go back on Monday and get my blood taken again (it looks like I shoot up now) and then on Tuesday I should know if the levels went up or down again. Same thing, if they went up then good if down then I am having a miss miscarriage, meaning I am loosing what is there. Regardless I go back next Wednesday as well to do another ultrasound to see what is left inside and/or what the process inside is compared the everything else.

The doctor said it is just too early to say one way or another. So I have to wait. God is really teaching me patience with this whole thing and well if you know me...I have none...until now. So it really was good news today, however, I don't want to think of it that way. I don't want to start thinking I am pregnant again because I still could be miscarrying. I have already put in my mind that there is no baby and I keep checking before I flush to see if everything has come out yet. I am afraid if I stop looking or stop thinking negative that I will just be let down next week. I hate waiting but if I am pregnant I will have another 9 months of waiting and if I am not I may have several more weeks of waiting. I have read that some people don't actually pass the tissue and everything for up to 5 to 6 weeks. I could actually bleed this long. I can't imagine 5 more weeks of bleeding, not knowing, and looking behind me. UGH.

Regardless so far the prayers are working in my favor. I know it had already been planned, what is suppose to happen but prayer doesn't hurt! I thank you all for your emails and comments, prayers and love. Please keep praying. Maybe everything will be okay and the baby will be okay as well, I don't know and won't for at least another week or so but I know I feel the power of prayer around me and I am so grateful for all of you.

Thanks again. I love you all.

Miracles

2008-08-07T08:49:00.001-07:00

Emily when to her 2 year old appointment today and I saw an old friend there one I have wondered about for years. Her name is Olivia. I just always thought so much of her and I have always wondered what had happened to her. I finally found out!

Olivia has a baby boy that is 8 weeks old and a little girl that is 4. I told her that Emily was our only one and I told her that this week I actually found out I had miscarried. Old Olivia came out, she is so caring. She told me several stories about others that had miscarried. One I can't believe. A girl miscarried and then got pregnant with triplets. The triplets were delivered early and in days they all died but now that couple has a wonderful healthy little girl and they couldn't be happier. Man I am lucky! I don't think I could make it through that. Not many people could.

You don't always hear all the bad stories. So many people now have told me about others that have miscarried or lost a child in some way or another. I have nothing to be upset about, not compared to what others have gone through. What I am experiencing is so big to me but in reality it is so tiny.

I still do wonder why it all happens. Why are there people that have 2 or 3 kids that they can't even take care of? Then there are those like Olivia told me about, a perfect couple lost 4 before they even got 1. I know that we aren't suppose to ask and we will never know while here on earth but still, don't you wonder?

One more thought...I finally ran into Olivia after not seeing her since 1994, all these years and when I am experiencing this there she is to tell me a story to show me how good I have it.

Dear God

2008-08-07T03:07:00.000-07:00

I am bleeding pretty bad now as you know and I figure this is part of the miscarriage process. I just wish my body would hurry up and get back to normal. Why is this happening? I know you are behind everything and I know it could be worse. I know this happens to a lot of people and I know you wouldn't put anything on me that I couldn't handle. I know you are with me all the way and I know I am not suppose to question any of this but I can't help but wonder why.

Everytime I go to the bathroom I keep thinking of my child falling out into the water. God I know it has happened to people before that didn't want their child but I did want her. Why can't I get that image out of my head? Why do I feel so lost, why is this happening?

I am a good mom to Emily, right? I mean I think I am and I know I questioned being a mom to two children instead of just one but I know I could have done it. I wanted to do it. I know I said there was so much for me to do before this one got here but I didn't mean that in a bad way. You know I like to be busy. I am sorry if I did something wrong or said something wrong. Please forgive me.

I know this happens to people everyday and I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, but still for some reason I do. I know there was never a fetus there, nothing formed but I still feel like she was inside me. I still feel like I lost a child. God I am sorry for questioning you. I know all this happened for some reason or another and I know you are only doing what is best for all of us.

I don't know if it is meant for me to ever have another child. As you know I don't really want to go through any of this again so I can't imagine getting pregnant another time. Whatever you have planned for me and my family just know I thank you and I trust you. Just please help us all get passed this and please let everything quickly get back to normal.

I love you now, forever, and always. Thank you for everything,
AMEN

No sleep for me tonight

2008-08-05T22:00:00.001-07:00

So I can't sleep. It is about 1 in the morning and here I sit in front of this darn computer!

Today has had it's ups and downs. I look at Emily in a different way now. I am so lucky to have her. I can't really be mad that I am having all these problems, I mean some people don't even have one child, I have already been blessed with a great little girl. I would love another one but right now my thoughts are on Emily. I think that if this would have happened when I was pregnant with her it would have been a lot harder, I would have had a break down. But now that I have her, I focus on her. You know if you what I mean if you are a parent or are close to any child, your child is your world and your world no longer stops because of what is going on you with mentally or physically. I can't let this stop me, before Emily it would have but now it can't. Besides, I know now more then ever, it will be okay. I am so grateful for Emily, today just helped me see that even more.

I do want to send many thanks to all my friends. I haven't told everyone what is going on with me, to be honest I am tired of telling the story of today. Some know and others have looked at my blog and well it is a great way to tell people what you want them to know but don't want to have to tell them. So for all the prayers...Thank You...for all the comments...I thank you. I really do appreciate the love you are sending my way. Friends...they are the best! I love you all and Thanks you for everything!

Today...was a long day. It is weird how the bad days in your life seem to just linger on and those great days (like when you are on vacation) those days just fly by. Why is that? Uhmmm, the things thought of when awake late at night!

Thanks again everyone! I love you!

NO baby

2008-08-05T07:13:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor today only to find out that what I believed was true. They couldn't see a fetal pole...only a sac. Therefore it is either too early instead of 6 weeks I would be 4 or I miscarried. I thought I had prepared for it but I don't guess I did.

I don't know how but I knew all of this was going to happen. I really knew something wasn't right, even when I told everyone last week. I guess I was trying to just not listen to what my heart and body was saying. The excitement overcame me. I am glad it is all happening now rather then 3 months or 5 months or 9 months down the road. I know God has it all worked out. The doctor said there was nothing I could do or not do, that the wrong sperm just met the wrong egg. Good way of looking at it.

The bad part is I won't really know anything until the sac passes or until Friday. I have to go back Thursday to get my blood work done to see if my Harmon levels are going up or down and then Friday I am suppose to call and find out what they were from today compared to Thursday. If they are going up then I am earlier then they thought and all should be okay, otherwise, I am miscarrying. Another...unknown thing during pregnancy, ugh? I guess I am going to go ahead and prepare that I have miscarried. I don't want to keep my hopes up to just get them pushed down in 4 more days. So, no baby number two anytime soon.

I hate it and I am so sad. Torn actually but then again, I feel literally God hold me right now. His arms are around me so tight and I know it will all be okay. NO matter how much I cry or how bad it hurts I know he is taking care of it all.

Pregnancy the second time around.

2008-08-04T19:59:00.001-07:00

This past weeks has been so hard. I have been so tired. What is worse is I am so scared something is wrong with the baby and I am going to miscarry. I remember thinking this with Emily but everything is so different this time. This weekend I started hurting, like cramps. Then today, the pain was so bad I called the doctor. They said it was normal however, tonight I saw blood, not much but there was some. Enough to freak me out and well I can't sleep as you can imagine. I am going to insist to the doctor that I come in tomorrow. I hate not knowing. I just want to see the baby and know everything is okay. I know it is all in God's hands and I know he won't put anything on me I can't handle. I have faith but still I am scared.

I remember the hard part of pregnancy now...it's the unknown. You always wonder how everything is inside you. You don't know if it is a boy or girl until 20 weeks and then you never know what they look like until they are here. You never know the day the life began nor do you know when it could end. You don't know if they will be healthy or ill. You just don't know anything.

I think pregnancy draws you closer to God. I mean to feel and see the life inside you. To know he did this. He gave us life so that we could make life. Amazing isn't it? He is so good. So awesome and being pregnant reminds you of it. On days like today when the pain is so bad you can't get up, when you're in tears, God does something amazing...he sends your 2 year old over to you. She holds you and gives you her bear, as she pats you on the back. Maybe you just have a wonderful child and maybe this is God's little way of saying it will be okay or maybe he is reminding you what the pain leads to, I don't know, but I do know he never leaves you to be alone.

Check out my shirt

2008-07-28T19:06:00.001-07:00

So now I can explain why I haven't written much in the last two weeks. There has been a lot on my mind. I wanted so bad to write but I knew I would tell and well I didn't want to until I confirmed everything today. So here goes...

Today was a big day. Emily turned 2 and she also found out she was going to be a BIG SISTER. I had already told her but told her I wasn't sure yet. I went to the doctor today and confirmed that I am pregnant. After 6 home test you would think I was sure but I wanted to hear it from the expert. It just so happened that the day of my appointment was the day of Emily's 2nd birthday. So on her 2nd birthday we found out that Baby #2 was cooking in the oven...so to speak! It was confirmed today I am 5 weeks pregnant and my due date is March 31st...would die if he or she is born on April 1st! That would just not be right after me second guessing myself all the time.

It is amazing how fast I got pregnant this time around which makes me really scared and still unsure about it all. I know I want another baby...this is the last one...I know my body is changing...I know I have been sick some...My clothes already aren't fitting right (I know big already..what?) but is it all real? I actually woke up a few nights ago to go to the bathroom (of course) and I thought all those 6 test I took was something I did in my dreams...really in my dreams, but it was real! I am so excited!

I have so much to do! If you know me, I don't wait til the last minute to do anything so I have had everything planned out before Emily even made it into the world. So I know what I have to do for the 2nd child, just got to start doing it. Of course my husband is the man that didn't put the car seat in the car for Emily until the day we headed home from the hospital, so I have to put fire under him which takes a lot of fuel on my end! I just can't wait to get started.

I keep wondering why me. Why did God bless me so many times. I feel like I haven't done enough to deserve all his glory. I mean; I met Andrew and we got married...blessing #1, then I realized what wonderful parents I had (I never knew until I got married, what a shame)...blessing #2, then came Emily...#3, then I got to stay at home with Emily..blessing #4, then now I am pregnant...blessing #5. Let us not forget about all the little ones in between nor my health or the health of my loved ones. What did I do to deserve all of this? DO you ever wonder that? I know we should just accept it and not ask questions but I really haven't been the best person in the world but he still is giving me so much. What a wonderful God.

Thank you God!

Two already?

2008-07-27T18:51:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow Emily will be TWO. I can't believe it. Today we had a little party for her. She had so much fun and got so many great gifts. She was so overwhelmed when we got home she actually got in the cooler full of icy cold water and drinks. Go figure. All the new toys and she decided to jump in the cooler in the kitchen. Crazy child! It didn't take her long to come put those cold feet on me. UGH!Here are a few party pictures. I will post some more tomorrow on her actual birthday. I decided to just have my parents and the in-laws over tomorrow. Two days of gifts though...what a lucky child! If only she knew now to enjoy this Birthday thing because the older you get the less it is acknowledged! Oh if only they knew now what we already know as adults.

We're back

2008-07-20T19:26:00.000-07:00

We are back from the Beach. It was so much fun. It amazes me how each year is different but now with Emily each year is really different. She looked at the pool in a new way, the arcade, the ocean, but not the sand. She still doesn't like playing in the sand like other kids do. She doesn't like to get it on her. She still loves the golf cart, what kid doesn't. She had so much fun. What was so sweet though was the last night. I had been busy every night selling jewelry...I did very well by the way. But at night I didn't get to really be with Emily because I was "working" the only one working on our vacation! So I devoted the last night to Emily and Andrew. We road the golf cart and watched fireworks. She would just pull me to her and kiss me.. it was like she was saying, mom this is wonderful, I have missed. She would pull Andrew toward her with one arm and use the other arm to pull me to her and then kiss us both. It is times like that your heart just melts and you thank God over and over. It was a wonderful night. Andrew and I walked on the beach with Emily, for the first time that week, and Emily and I found a really big shell. It was great. Thank God for vacations, family, our children, and our memories.

We also went fishing in the Inlet. My dad, Andrew and I. Not to brag but I caught the biggest fish and the most. I was so scared at first. I kept thinking of all the sharks in the water and I could see the jelly fish floating around. But once I caught the first fish, a really big one, there wasn't much you could do to stop me. Russell was our Captain. He was young and really nice to me. He always took the fish off for us and put the bait on. He gave my dad and Andrew a hard time because I was catching everything. I kept catching sting rays too. They are really weird looking up close and they put up some kind of fight when you catch them. What was the most fascinating thing to me was the big Red fish I caught. It was actually the first fish I caught and the first one for the day and the biggest. The thing about these fish that is so off the wall is they change sexes during their life. They are born males and then turn into women. Funny ugh? They don't even have to have surgery for it. The one I caught was 24 inches long and in order to keep them it has to be 23 inches so we had to throw it back. I don't know why we couldn't have just cut the tail off a little...LOL We got a good picture though! Russell is holding the fish for me. Do you know that most all fish in the ocean big or small have teeth? Razor sharp teeth too. I wasn't about to hold it!

Many memories were made this past week but another big event is about to happen. My little girl will be 2 in one week. So this trip was her big trip before her birthday. She is my everything. She was my baby but now she is my little girl!

Baby Teeth

2008-07-10T11:05:00.000-07:00

Emily amazes me daily but yesterday was so funny, I am still laughing about it. I bought her this baby that grows teeth. If you have a kid you probably have seen them. They come with a bottle and pacifier and teething ring. I should have saved it for her birthday which is in 2 weeks but who could wait, right? I too wanted to see it work!

She loved it, of course. When you put the pacifier in the baby's mouth it starts to cry (because it is teething) and when you take it out, up pops two bottom teeth! Being the parent you can make the teeth go back in with a button on the back of the doll...which of course only the adults know about and can get to. Emily didn't say anything about the baby's teeth, I was sure she saw them but she didn't make a big deal about it like I thought she would. She just kept feeding the baby and soothing it. When the baby would cry Emily would give it the bottle or teething ring and rock it back and forth.. (like I do her) It was so sweet.

I was interested to see what she would do when the teeth actually disappeared. So I played a little joke on her! Wonderful mom I know! Hopefully you can picture this. The teeth were up, and Emily was holding the baby and rocking it by moving her body back and forth. She put the bottle in and as soon as she took it out....I pushed the magic button and POOF went the teeth. With a quick reaction she pulled the doll back from her looked at it and looked at me and said, "momma teeth, teeth"! Her eyes were as big as lemons and when she wasn't asking where the teeth were, her jaw was resting on her feet. I laughed so hard. She kept putting her hand in the air like she was saying I don't know what just happened and well she didn't!

Poor thing! She knows her teeth don't come and go, why did the baby's and how? I laughed so hard. It's times like this I am grateful I am at home with her. I see her grow every day in a new way. It is a hard job, staying at home, with no paycheck but you can't get back the memories.

My Best Friend

2008-07-08T20:50:00.001-07:00

I use to love to write poems but I haven't in many years. Tonight as I laid in bed this one came to me. I am so lucky for all I have. It amazes me how everything that happens to us during our life really does have a meaning. You learn from it and grow from it. No matter how hard some times are, I know they have to happen, I know someone is behind it all. It is so hard to admit at the time but when you look back...you see the complete picture.

I am so thankful for my husband. I give him such a hard time but he is my best friend. He puts up with a lot, if you know me, you know that. But I couldn't make it without him. He truely is a great man. My man...my baby's daddy!

For all those who broke my heart

I am grateful we grew apart

All the tears I use to cry

To all that pain I say goodbye

You taught me how to love and how to hate

You taught me what to give and what to take

I'm glad you were in my life

Thanks to you I am a mother and a wife

I have the best man by my side

It is with him I will one day die

If my heart would not have been broken

there is no telling where I would be

So as I thank you tonight

I know you are out there somewhere thanking me!

Thank you

GOING TO THE BEACH

2008-07-08T12:34:00.000-07:00

So I have been really slack lately but we are going to the beach...I have been packing. I will write when we get back. I can't wait.

Emily and I

2008-07-02T13:24:00.000-07:00

I love my girl!

The Bird House

2008-07-02T08:44:00.000-07:00

Today Emily painted a bird house. Emily's dad made a bird house out of Popsicle sticks, I tried but I won't show you those pictures.

A few days ago I painted the bird house white to get it ready for Emily to paint. I thought it would be a great way for us to work on our colors and have fun at the same time.

If you know my daughter, she doesn't like to get dirty so at first she was really careful but then after I put paint on me and showed her how it came off, she was okay with getting it on her. She actually made a mess.

She is so proud of her Bird House. She didn't like to paint the sides just the top she picked the colors she wanted and used all the brushes. She liked holding the small ones but I think she soon realized the big ones do better.

We are waiting on the bird house to dry and then we will take a photo of it hanging on the front porch. I told her we would put it there. Right now it is on the front steps. She keeps going to check on it. She is growing up so fast!

I wonder what is going on in her little head. There is so much to learn every day, so much to do. How does she do it? She amazes me everyday.

Moving on up

2008-06-23T06:22:00.001-07:00

This weekend Emily's got a new pool. Since she started swimming classes she really needed something bigger. We had a kiddie pool at first. (see the picture on the left) Now we have a pool the size of our deck. (see the picture on the right) I know we look like rednecks but Emily loves the pool. Who knew we would ever be able to afford such a big pool?

A note to you Parents and your teens.

2008-06-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

My mom turned 58 this weekend. That sounds old but it is so young. I love my mother so much. I owe her everything. I was so mean to her growing up, I hope Emily is never as bad to me as I was to my mom.

I pay for it now every day. I will never forget what I put her through. I know almost all teenagers want their own Independence and want to do everything their parents tell them not to, but when I was a teen I didn't know anything, even though I thought I knew everything.

I wasn't really that bad. I didn't go out and get drunk, I actually hated drinking. I didn't flaunt myself or pop pills or anything really bad, but my attitude would have made you think otherwise. I was so rude to everyone, especially my mom. I think that is just part of being a teenager a part of being a girl. I just know it isn't right and I don't want my child to be like I was.

I really respect my mom now and I did back then. I was always out with my dad and papa but I admired my mom because the things she did in the house I didn't want to do. I hated cleaning back then and cooking and anything inside so I stayed out with my dad which I think made me want to be even more independent. A part of me was such a tom boy that I felt I had to have a man's heart and well they don't have much of a gentle side all the time. The other part of me just didn't want to listen to anyone. That was the teen in me.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have been the best daughter ever, but it doesn't work that way does it. You can't get that time back. You can't erase it. To those parents that have teenagers...girls at least, listen. You have to talk to them. You have to be their friend and their mom. I know it is hard to hear what they have to say sometimes but you have to put yourself in their shoes. Your kids are changing and the only one they can talk is their friends, who know just what they know....nothing. They need to talk to you. They need to know you went through the same things when you were their age. They need to know about your past. They need to know and understand that you too once felt their pain, happiness, fear. Talk to them. Open up to them and listen to them.

For you teenagers, who think you know it all, you don't . I know you think you are always right, but you aren't. Your parents say they are always right and believe it or not they are. I thought my parents knew nothing but the older I got I realized that they were right. I did need to save money, I would find another person to love me, I would find someone that cared about me, that person wasn't a good friend, you don't need to put anyone before your God or family, the more true friends you have the better, you have to trust to love, I didn't need to go to places like that, I didn't need to hang out with that crowd, etc. Parents Do Know...so listen to them.

I know it is hard to look your mom or dad in the eye and open up to them but to make life easier...do it. Don't ever think you know better then your parents or grandparents. Don't ever think your mom and dad haven't felt what you feel or have felt. Life is hard...for everyone. Not just you. Oh and please girls know that NO GUY is more important then your family, no guy except for God and Jesus. Also know that you are never alone, even when you do something wrong your parents still love you and so does God. Life is worth living. It does get better. Trust me I have been there, so if you can't talk to your parents talk to me. I am here for you.

Girls and Boys, know that you can't go back in time. What you do, what you say, once you do it or say it, it is over. There is no changing it. Think before you do anything. Listen to your heart, follow your heart. Life is precious and you can live it or let it live you. I say live it, but live it right.

I thank God everyday for my parents and I wish I could take back 1/2 of what I did to them and said to them, but I can't. Instead for the rest of my life I live with it and try to tell them how much I love them, how much I thank them for everything, and how sorry I am. Hopefully one day they will really understand just how much I do love them. One day, One day...

Choo Choo

2008-06-20T12:28:00.000-07:00

Today was a wonderful day. For the first time Emily got to go to the park with her Grandma Nana and for the first time she got to ride the train. Oh what a wonderful day it was. Emily and I talked about her day and this is what she said...

Mommy my day was amazing. I don't get to see my grandma nana much so when you told me last night she was coming over I was so excited. I did just like you said I slept in because you told me I would feel better and be able to play longer, man mommy you were right.

I didn't know what to think when you told me we were going to ride a train. I kept thinking Thomas is so big how will we ever get on him. Then when we got to the park and the train was for people my size, oh I couldn't believe it. I was still unsure about it all and while Grandma Nana and I sat there watching everyone I kept wonderfing why I was just sitting there in that little seat. This is when you were taking pictures. Why do you do that mom? I kept thinking, what fun is a train that doesn't move? Oh and mom it was green, it wasn't like thomas at all.

I thought all the kids were funny running to get on this train that didn't move and I still thought you were silly when you said we are going to ride but you were right again...we started moving. Oh my mommy. It was so much fun. I sat there just like a big girl too, didn't I.

There was one thing I didn't like today though. Mommy why did you try to sit me in that mans lap? I was very upset. He could have had dirt on him, I hate dirt. I know you wanted my picture with this man but I didn't like that. Don't do it again please, okay. I got over it really quick but come on mom, lets not do that.

Mommy this was the best day. I will never ever forget this day. I road a TRAIN, one made just for me and I did it with my Grandma Nana...oh yea and you mommy. Thank you.

Oh and tell Grandma Nana thanks. I couldn't believe you took money out of my piggy bank this morning. I didn't know why you did that but then I understood we had to pay to ride the train. Thomas has to get paid. But after we got home, you weren't looking and Grandma Nana gave me money to put back in my piggy bank. Ha Ha

It's all about the dots

2008-06-18T06:43:00.001-07:00

New Items listed....

Checkbook/Calendar Covers and Card Holders have now been posted on my website at http://www.dotteddeerboutique.etsy.com/.

Check them out. They are great gifts for yourself or someone else.

Babies in the Water

2008-06-18T06:21:00.000-07:00

2 days ago Emily started her first class...Water Babies. I was amazed by all the kids there. Emily only has 8 in her class but there were other classes going on at the same time and needless to say, Emily wants to know what everyone else is doing. The day two she actually got tears in her eyes because she wanted to hurry and get in the water.

She didn't do as good as I thought. She will blow bubbles into the bath but not the pool. Doesn't make since:) She doesn't like laying on her back but will on her belly. In fact after the first night we came home and got in the bath and for the first time ever she tried to lay down belly first in the tub. She is so silly.

Last night was the big night to me. We had the option to dunk her under the water. Most parents let the instructor do it but I just let Andrew do it. She cried. I know she was scared but in a few minutes she didn't even remember what had happened.

I hate doing all of this but I know it is for her own good. There was a child there that was about 5 years old and they were dunking him under the water. He was screaming like you wouldn't believe. I felt sorry for the instructor as I know he had scratches all over him. I am sure this young boy had never been in the water before, at least that is how he acted. At least by doing this class maybe Emily will never be scared of the water. Hopefully she will be able to swim in the next few years to come:0 They grow so fast.

Horsing around

2008-06-12T10:38:00.001-07:00

It's amazing how life is so much fun when you're young!

Carolina Gamecocks

2008-06-11T13:56:00.000-07:00

I told you I wouldn't leave you Carolina fans hanging long. Here is my latest Carolina Gamecock Dangle Bracelet. Go Cocks!
See more at www.dotteddeerboutique.etsy.com

Sleep, Sleep, Sleep

2008-06-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

As my child takes her nap, I take mine. I know I am only 32 and I feel as if I am in my 60s sometime. It wasn't long ago that I was up all hours of the night and still didn't sleep during the day but now for some reason my body and mind want to rest.
The doctor did blood work about 6 weeks ago and everything came back okay. I am grateful but why am I so sleepy some days? It comes and goes. Once or twice a week my day will be normal. I will get up in the morning and be able to go all day without sleeping. Sometimes during the week I can even go a night or two without much sleep, just as I have all my life. Then it hits me, I can bareley hold my head up until my daughter's nap. As soon as I lay her down, down I go. What's going on? Why is it that sometimes I can't sleep at all and other times I can't stay awake?
Maybe my mind and body are trying to catch up from years or days of no sleep or maybe I am just getting old. Ugh, old. That scares me. I always thought I would be active and running around in my 30s but instead I just want to sleep. Speaking of...good night.

Clemson Charm Dangle Bracelet

2008-06-10T05:39:00.001-07:00

This is my latest dangle bracelet. For all you clemson fans, I hope you like it. I like Carolina best. It will be next.

Our Angel

2008-06-07T02:19:00.000-07:00

Well. Another night with no sleep. I have been trying to figure out this blog thing but can't so thought I would write about something else on my mind. Why not right?

I would like the world to know about a great man. My papa. The best man I have ever known. My dad is up there with him but he doesn't have as big of a heart as Papa did. He was the type of man that would do anything for you. Everyone was the same to him, everyone.

He had a garden and during the summers my brother and I would work in the garden with him. I hated it but I loved it. I can't remember many things from my childhood but I remember those potatoes and green beans. I remember getting stung when picking veggies. I remember my papa spitting tobacco on it. Does that still help? I remember turning over watermelon and finding black widows. I hate spiders to this day.

He would take tomaotes and other veggies to people, just because. He would go down the road and wave to everyone. It didn't matter what color, what sex, how old. He was your friend, everyones friend. He was the man that saw no wrong in anyone. Yea, he would correct me when I was wrong but it was like he knew everyones heart was good. He loved God. He had so much faith in him.

When he died in 96, that was the beginning of a new break down for me. I remember being in class at SMC when I would just start crying, uncontrollable crying. I had people around me die before but I wasn't sure why this one hurt so much. Of course I loved him but I didn't know how much until he was gone. I didn't even get to say bye. He died when I wasn't around. One minute I was told he was doing better and then a few hours later, he was gone. I was told his last words were AMEN. I know he saw him, he saw God.

For the longest time I kept telling myself, that life would get better. That God needed Papa and that was why he was gone. Still it took many years to realize that it was okay that he wasn't here. As you can see still to this day, I can't forget him. There are times I still cry for him. I can't imagine anyone else close to me dieing. I feel like a part of me goes with them and I am not sure how much is left.

I have always felt Papa was still close. I would always say he was my angel once he left this world and went to the next. In fact when I was going through another hard time in my life I was woken up during the night. Not sure why but I sat up in my bed and saw my papa at the foot of my bed. I called to him and he said, "It's going to be okay." My jaw dropped. I could see him like I could see you there except around him there was a light. Then he grinned and went away. I know about dreams and this wasn't a dream. It was real. He came to help me. After that I knew everything would be okay. I knew he was with me every step of the way.

When I was pregnant and decorating Emily's room I put a picture of Papa on a shelf beside her crib. I thought to myself, he can watch over her. I know it sounds crazy but like I said, I knew he was still around me. After Emily was born we got a video monitor so I could actually see her during the night without getting up every 15 minutes. There were a few days here and there when she was napping that I would see a shadow come from the wall where Papa's picture was. The shadow would move over the crib and then go away like it came, back into the wall. My husband thought I was crazy until he saw it. Of course he had a different explanation for it.

Then as Emily grew and started sitting in her crib I would see her look at that picture. Just a child being curious right? I told myself the same thing. A few more months goes by and she is starting to talk. She likes to play in her crib by herself before she goes to sleep and one day she stopped dead in the middle of her playing and smiled up at his picture. It was as if he called out to her. She had the sweetest look on her face.

That isn't it. Time goes by and she isn't feeling good one day. Those darn teeth. Anyway, I put her down for a nap and she starts to cry. I leave her a few minutes and during this time, she stops crying looks at his picture, smiles and laughs. I saw this and I started crying. I ran into her room that day, wanting to see him I think but at the same time I wanted to tell her who she had just saw. When I opened the door she turned to me smiled and pointed up at his picture. It was like she was saying, mommy look, did you see him too? I sat down in the floor and cried as I explained to her who he was and what a great person he was and how he was there for her.

I knew then that I was right. He had been with me since he died and once I had Emily, he left my side and went to watch over her. I still feel him with me a lot of the time so I think he is pulling double duty. Just like papa to do that.

Talk about an Angel!

Mother Daughter Bond

2008-06-06T20:54:00.001-07:00

Yesterday Emily was sick and still is today. For the first time in 22 months she has a fever and doesn't feel good at all. What do you do? It is amazing to me how as a mother you just know, but you don't really know.

No I don't know what is wrong with her but I seem to know her pain. I know why she is crying, why she just isn't the same as before. For you with kids, don't you find yourself understanding their cries? There is such a bond with her. I never really had one with my mom, maybe I did when I was young, but I can't remember one. I am just like my dad, so of course there is a bond there. I know his thoughts, his take on things, I can tell when he isn't feeling good, when he is sad, almost know what he is thinking half the time. I am a junior him. Well, minus and plus a few parts. With Emily, I think I know her too. Maybe it is just because I am with her all the time and she is still young, I hope the bond never goes away, but being a daughter I know it will in time.

My goal is to be a cool mom. I want to be the one my child opens up to about school, friends, boys, etc. I want to be respected and admired. I hope that she always trust me. I love my mom so much but I didn't open up to her and now that I try...well the world revolves around my daughter now, not me. It is a cycle isn't it?

Me, Me, Me

2008-06-05T14:43:00.001-07:00

Hi everyone. My name is Michelle. I am a wife, mom, taxi driver, cook, house keeper, daughter, and so much more. I have a wonderful daughter that is almost 2 years old. She is my angel. I thank God for her every minute of every day. I love my husband too but there is nothing like a daughter.

I have been at home with Emily everyday from the day she was born. I am doing all I can to try to stay at home with her. With God's grace I will be able to continue. I started doing handmade items when I was out of college and now I have started back. Jewelry is my thing. I love doing custom orders. I just can't get enough.

I am OCD, which I didn't know until after I got married but it explains a lot about my childhood. Anyway, that is why I always have to be doing something. I can't just relax. My mind won't let me. Even when I lay in bed at night I have a million thoughts in my head. If only I had a penny for each. I like to stay busy with my daughter of course but as a parent you have to have your escape and jewelry is mine. I wish my escape was exercise, it needs to be, but no it is jewelry and if I don't do that then I eat. No I am not pregnant just OCD.

So hopefully this blog will help me release some of that worked up energy or maybe it will even help me get more orders. Regardless, life is great.