Monday, June 23, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
I pay for it now every day. I will never forget what I put her through. I know almost all teenagers want their own Independence and want to do everything their parents tell them not to, but when I was a teen I didn't know anything, even though I thought I knew everything.
I wasn't really that bad. I didn't go out and get drunk, I actually hated drinking. I didn't flaunt myself or pop pills or anything really bad, but my attitude would have made you think otherwise. I was so rude to everyone, especially my mom. I think that is just part of being a teenager a part of being a girl. I just know it isn't right and I don't want my child to be like I was.
I really respect my mom now and I did back then. I was always out with my dad and papa but I admired my mom because the things she did in the house I didn't want to do. I hated cleaning back then and cooking and anything inside so I stayed out with my dad which I think made me want to be even more independent. A part of me was such a tom boy that I felt I had to have a man's heart and well they don't have much of a gentle side all the time. The other part of me just didn't want to listen to anyone. That was the teen in me.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have been the best daughter ever, but it doesn't work that way does it. You can't get that time back. You can't erase it. To those parents that have teenagers...girls at least, listen. You have to talk to them. You have to be their friend and their mom. I know it is hard to hear what they have to say sometimes but you have to put yourself in their shoes. Your kids are changing and the only one they can talk is their friends, who know just what they know....nothing. They need to talk to you. They need to know you went through the same things when you were their age. They need to know about your past. They need to know and understand that you too once felt their pain, happiness, fear. Talk to them. Open up to them and listen to them.
For you teenagers, who think you know it all, you don't . I know you think you are always right, but you aren't. Your parents say they are always right and believe it or not they are. I thought my parents knew nothing but the older I got I realized that they were right. I did need to save money, I would find another person to love me, I would find someone that cared about me, that person wasn't a good friend, you don't need to put anyone before your God or family, the more true friends you have the better, you have to trust to love, I didn't need to go to places like that, I didn't need to hang out with that crowd, etc. Parents Do Know...so listen to them.
I know it is hard to look your mom or dad in the eye and open up to them but to make life easier...do it. Don't ever think you know better then your parents or grandparents. Don't ever think your mom and dad haven't felt what you feel or have felt. Life is hard...for everyone. Not just you. Oh and please girls know that NO GUY is more important then your family, no guy except for God and Jesus. Also know that you are never alone, even when you do something wrong your parents still love you and so does God. Life is worth living. It does get better. Trust me I have been there, so if you can't talk to your parents talk to me. I am here for you.
Girls and Boys, know that you can't go back in time. What you do, what you say, once you do it or say it, it is over. There is no changing it. Think before you do anything. Listen to your heart, follow your heart. Life is precious and you can live it or let it live you. I say live it, but live it right.
I thank God everyday for my parents and I wish I could take back 1/2 of what I did to them and said to them, but I can't. Instead for the rest of my life I live with it and try to tell them how much I love them, how much I thank them for everything, and how sorry I am. Hopefully one day they will really understand just how much I do love them. One day, One day...
Friday, June 20, 2008
There was one thing I didn't like today though. Mommy why did you try to sit me in that mans lap? I was very upset. He could have had dirt on him, I hate dirt. I know you wanted my picture with this man but I didn't like that. Don't do it again please, okay. I got over it really quick but come on mom, lets not do that.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
The doctor did blood work about 6 weeks ago and everything came back okay. I am grateful but why am I so sleepy some days? It comes and goes. Once or twice a week my day will be normal. I will get up in the morning and be able to go all day without sleeping. Sometimes during the week I can even go a night or two without much sleep, just as I have all my life. Then it hits me, I can bareley hold my head up until my daughter's nap. As soon as I lay her down, down I go. What's going on? Why is it that sometimes I can't sleep at all and other times I can't stay awake?
Maybe my mind and body are trying to catch up from years or days of no sleep or maybe I am just getting old. Ugh, old. That scares me. I always thought I would be active and running around in my 30s but instead I just want to sleep. Speaking of...good night.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Saturday, June 7, 2008
I would like the world to know about a great man. My papa. The best man I have ever known. My dad is up there with him but he doesn't have as big of a heart as Papa did. He was the type of man that would do anything for you. Everyone was the same to him, everyone.
He had a garden and during the summers my brother and I would work in the garden with him. I hated it but I loved it. I can't remember many things from my childhood but I remember those potatoes and green beans. I remember getting stung when picking veggies. I remember my papa spitting tobacco on it. Does that still help? I remember turning over watermelon and finding black widows. I hate spiders to this day.
He would take tomaotes and other veggies to people, just because. He would go down the road and wave to everyone. It didn't matter what color, what sex, how old. He was your friend, everyones friend. He was the man that saw no wrong in anyone. Yea, he would correct me when I was wrong but it was like he knew everyones heart was good. He loved God. He had so much faith in him.
When he died in 96, that was the beginning of a new break down for me. I remember being in class at SMC when I would just start crying, uncontrollable crying. I had people around me die before but I wasn't sure why this one hurt so much. Of course I loved him but I didn't know how much until he was gone. I didn't even get to say bye. He died when I wasn't around. One minute I was told he was doing better and then a few hours later, he was gone. I was told his last words were AMEN. I know he saw him, he saw God.
For the longest time I kept telling myself, that life would get better. That God needed Papa and that was why he was gone. Still it took many years to realize that it was okay that he wasn't here. As you can see still to this day, I can't forget him. There are times I still cry for him. I can't imagine anyone else close to me dieing. I feel like a part of me goes with them and I am not sure how much is left.
I have always felt Papa was still close. I would always say he was my angel once he left this world and went to the next. In fact when I was going through another hard time in my life I was woken up during the night. Not sure why but I sat up in my bed and saw my papa at the foot of my bed. I called to him and he said, "It's going to be okay." My jaw dropped. I could see him like I could see you there except around him there was a light. Then he grinned and went away. I know about dreams and this wasn't a dream. It was real. He came to help me. After that I knew everything would be okay. I knew he was with me every step of the way.
When I was pregnant and decorating Emily's room I put a picture of Papa on a shelf beside her crib. I thought to myself, he can watch over her. I know it sounds crazy but like I said, I knew he was still around me. After Emily was born we got a video monitor so I could actually see her during the night without getting up every 15 minutes. There were a few days here and there when she was napping that I would see a shadow come from the wall where Papa's picture was. The shadow would move over the crib and then go away like it came, back into the wall. My husband thought I was crazy until he saw it. Of course he had a different explanation for it.
Then as Emily grew and started sitting in her crib I would see her look at that picture. Just a child being curious right? I told myself the same thing. A few more months goes by and she is starting to talk. She likes to play in her crib by herself before she goes to sleep and one day she stopped dead in the middle of her playing and smiled up at his picture. It was as if he called out to her. She had the sweetest look on her face.
That isn't it. Time goes by and she isn't feeling good one day. Those darn teeth. Anyway, I put her down for a nap and she starts to cry. I leave her a few minutes and during this time, she stops crying looks at his picture, smiles and laughs. I saw this and I started crying. I ran into her room that day, wanting to see him I think but at the same time I wanted to tell her who she had just saw. When I opened the door she turned to me smiled and pointed up at his picture. It was like she was saying, mommy look, did you see him too? I sat down in the floor and cried as I explained to her who he was and what a great person he was and how he was there for her.
I knew then that I was right. He had been with me since he died and once I had Emily, he left my side and went to watch over her. I still feel him with me a lot of the time so I think he is pulling double duty. Just like papa to do that.
Talk about an Angel!
Friday, June 6, 2008
No I don't know what is wrong with her but I seem to know her pain. I know why she is crying, why she just isn't the same as before. For you with kids, don't you find yourself understanding their cries? There is such a bond with her. I never really had one with my mom, maybe I did when I was young, but I can't remember one. I am just like my dad, so of course there is a bond there. I know his thoughts, his take on things, I can tell when he isn't feeling good, when he is sad, almost know what he is thinking half the time. I am a junior him. Well, minus and plus a few parts. With Emily, I think I know her too. Maybe it is just because I am with her all the time and she is still young, I hope the bond never goes away, but being a daughter I know it will in time.
My goal is to be a cool mom. I want to be the one my child opens up to about school, friends, boys, etc. I want to be respected and admired. I hope that she always trust me. I love my mom so much but I didn't open up to her and now that I try...well the world revolves around my daughter now, not me. It is a cycle isn't it?
Thursday, June 5, 2008
I have been at home with Emily everyday from the day she was born. I am doing all I can to try to stay at home with her. With God's grace I will be able to continue. I started doing handmade items when I was out of college and now I have started back. Jewelry is my thing. I love doing custom orders. I just can't get enough.
I am OCD, which I didn't know until after I got married but it explains a lot about my childhood. Anyway, that is why I always have to be doing something. I can't just relax. My mind won't let me. Even when I lay in bed at night I have a million thoughts in my head. If only I had a penny for each. I like to stay busy with my daughter of course but as a parent you have to have your escape and jewelry is mine. I wish my escape was exercise, it needs to be, but no it is jewelry and if I don't do that then I eat. No I am not pregnant just OCD.
So hopefully this blog will help me release some of that worked up energy or maybe it will even help me get more orders. Regardless, life is great.