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Teaching her right

You know you have started raising your child right when you're driving down the road and you hear her in the back seat saying,"mommy, daddy, mimi, papa, mimi, nana, everybody." There was no wondering what she was doing, I knew, she was praying. That is how we end our prayer at night, by thanking and praying for everyone in the family and our friends. It was so sweet that she was praying during the middle of the day, by herself, as we were going down the road. I couldn't believe it. I actually got a tear or two in my eye and a warmth came over me. Maybe she doesn't understand it all but I know God was listening to her and he knows what it all means.
I have always wondered how I would be as a mom. I have to say I have surprised myself. I am more understanding then I thought I would be. I have actually learned to be patient. I still have a lot of work to do but I think I am doing okay. There are those times I get so frustrated, what parent doesn't? I don't like it when Emily fights going to sleep or when she is whinny, says no, or constantly calling my name, however, I am so grateful for it all. You can't get too mad when you hear your little one call you mommy. Think about it, you have waited your life to be a parent and now there is someone to call you mommy. It is actually such a sweet thing to hear, even 100 times a day!

Oh and for all of those keeping up with it. My lab results came back better. My levels are low but I still have to go back on Tuesday to do them again. It is a wonder I have any blood left in me. I have to keep going until the get down to 0. I am not sure what number they are at now but the doctor was pleased they went down, however I was told if I start cramping or bleeding over the weekend to come in. That didn't make me feel any better, but I assume they have to tell everyone that!

Signs

I am such a believer in signs. Signs are everywhere. I believe God points them out to us at certain times as a way to get our attention, to wake us up and tell us which way to go. The signs were everywhere the night I met Andrew. They were there when a Cesarean was scheduled for the birth of Emily. They were there during my D&C. I knew it was right since Dr. K was there, it was as if God was comforting me and letting me know this was what was suppose to happen.
So here is my question what is the sign he is showing me now?

I got a call today from Dr. K to come in and do blood work again. UGH. It just so happens that she saw me as I was walking out and she called me back into her office. (SIGN- she just so happen to see me and have time to talk to me) Then the confusing part. She told me that my harmon levels last week (a week after the D&C) were up. They were higher then they were before the D&C. What? She is as confused as I am. She just saw my chart today and she wanted me to come in asap to get another reading and tomorrow we will know more. She hopes they are down and if so that is great news, still doesn't explain why they were up last week but still it will be good news if they are going down. If they are going up or are still up...I have to go back asap. I have had no paid or anything since 2 days after the D&C so we aren't sure what is going on. I guess we will know tomorrow.

What confuses me is what is God telling me by all of this? I mean she said there is a slim chance I am pregnant, (haven't done anything to get that way and I have no symptom so I doubt that is it) however, all of this is thrown back in my face. I mean a week after my insides were cleaned out my body still said I was pregnant. Is God telling me I don't need to give up that I should still try or is he telling me to give it up this is too much mentally and physically? I just don't get this one. Just as I think it is all over and I am putting it all behind me...there it is all back in my face. What is going on? What is this all about? What do the signs mean?

The room is complete

Emily now has a new room. A little bit of a big girls room. It is so cute. I love it! It is weird though that for a little over two years there has been the same crib in her room, on the same wall, with the same bedding and now it is gone. She is growing up!

While rearranging her room I realized just how much stuff she has. There is something on every wall, on every inch of the floor around the walls and her closet is packed. Isn't it amazing just how much stuff a child has? My parents said I had all kinds of fun toys but I don't remember them at all. I think they are telling a little lie! Who knows:) But I won't let Emily forget all that she has because I am taking pictures, mainly of the big stuff!

I don't have many pictures to look back on from when I was a kid and those I do have don't show many cool toys like Emily has. I didn't have a tent. I remember making them out of sheets and chairs. What fun it was back then but Emily has a really nice tent. I also don't remember having a high chair for my baby dolls or a little girl table but my parents said I did. They have no proof though! By me taking these pictures Emily will know in the years to come that I was telling the truth about all the cool things she played with. Just a little something to hang over her head! Kids these days are just so lucky!

Emily's New Bed

Last night was Emily's first night sleeping in a new bed. Yea! I shouldn't be happy about Emily growing up but if you have ever lifted 27 pounds in and out of a crib 2 times a day, you would agree to let her grow... just a little.

It has been hard not lifting her, per doctor orders. The easies thing to do was to go ahead and get her a bed. I have been wanting to save my back the pain but I was going to wait until Christmas but no better time then the present. My husband didn't think she would stay in the bed so we left the crib up until we saw how she did. He was right, Sunday night she cried until she was put in her crib. On Monday she slept in her bed for her nap on Monday and I made such a big deal about it that she actually slept in it Monday night too. YEA, no more lifting!

As long as she continues to do good this week we are going to say goodbye to the crib. I can't wait to reorganize her room. It is amazing how much stuff you and your child can accumulate. Where will we put the crib?

A New Day

I feel as if I am getting back to normal. Finally! I still can't lift anything over 10 pounds so today Emily climbed up in my bed and took a nap with me instead of in her crib. It was so sweet and I was so tired. After the nap I felt NEW. Maybe it was her waking me up by putting her little arm around me (okay she tried to put it around me, it wouldn't fit) or maybe it was when she scrunched up beside me as close as she could, or maybe it was the soft little kiss she gave me on my cheek. Regardless, whatever it was about that nap made me feel so much better. I kind of feel light and free, it could be the medicine:) but I think it is just God getting me back on my feet with Emily's help! All the prayers helped too. Thank you all!

Little Girl Lost

A home was made for you

I felt it grow inside me

The door was open
But you never came in

I dreamt of holding you and seeing your face

but instead it's this part of my life I have to erase

My heart was once full but not anymore
there will always be something missing behind the closed door

I know you would have been a girl without a doubt
And forever in my life you will not be left out

I will remember the day your home was made
And I will remember when it was taken away

I will remember the joy you brought
And all the lessons that were taught

I love you little girl forever and always
But I can't cry anymore I have to wipe my eyes
...and close this door

Michelle Patton
August 13, 2008

Can't stop

It is now 3:am and I am awake because Emily just screamed and cried out my name really loud. I jumped up so fast and looked at the video monitor and saw she was still asleep. I guess she was dreaming about me, it didn't sound like a good dream. She has called names out during the night before and mumbled (like her dad she talks in her sleep) but this one really scared me. However, the good news is she is still sleeping we didn't have to get her or anything.

She was so loud Andrew heard her. My husband sleeps like a rock and for him to hear her is very uncommon. Just has he said, "you want me to go get her", she stopped crying out. Normally I would get her during the night if she needed anything and Andrew would keep on sleeping. (he does just a great job at sleeping) Basically it should be this way since he is the one that needs to sleep. I know he needs to be 100% during the day at work so he can bring home the BACON and since my job is Emily, well, when she calls then my job starts back up. BUT this time would have been different...maybe. See with the D&C you aren't suppose to lift more then 10 pounds for a week. YEA RIGHT! So between us, if he wouldn't have woke up and she would have kept crying I would have went and got her....I guess GOD knew that so he kept her sleeping and woke Andrew up just in case.

Let's really think about this though. A lot of people that have a D&C have another child so unless you are a really relaxed parent tell me how you would not lift your child especially after just loosing your second or third. After the hospital I wanted so bad to just run and pick Emily up, but I didn't, not because of the pain and the grief but because I wasn't suppose to, that won't last long. I will be picking her up today for sure, I have to. Emily is not only my child but she is my life and my life can't stop because of all of this. I have to put the mental and physical pain aside and keep my focus on her. THAT IS WHAT MOMS DO.

How am I?

As far a me, in case you are wondering right now I am fine....can't sleep but fine. I will probobly start feeling the pain before long as I can tell the meds are getting weaker. I actually felt something when I JUMPED out of bed to check on Emily but that went away when I focused on her. I am going to try not to take any medicine today because I don't see me funcutioning very good with it and again, I will be here with Emily and drugs and kids don't mix. I think my dad and aunt are going to stop in to help out an hour or two and then my mom will be here after 5 to feed Emily and give her a bath so, I will have help until Andrew gets home. (Isn't family great) I will probobly rest when my mom gets here and then try to lay around for the most part of the day. Emily is so understanding. She gets it when I am down and she just does her own thing. Besides feeding her, changing her, and putting her in her crib I won't have to do anything tomorrow. Like I said God has already Blessed me not just with a child but with one like Emily. Normally we would go for a walk, go shopping, do crafts, play outside, and/or even have study time but for the next few days she is off the hook, she will have free time. YEA! Everything will be back to normal before long.

Written in the books

This won't be long because I am still heavily medicated right now. I just wanted everyone to know that the D&C is over. Not much tissue was there which means I had already passed a lot of it last week (hince the pain and bleeding last week) For some reason my body was holding on to some part of the pregnancy still so the D&C was the way to go.

I know it was meant to be because my doctor actually was on the floor and did the procedure. Dr. S has been with me during all of this and he was going to do it during patients today but when I found out Dr. K was there too I told the nurse to tell her I was there and would like her to do it. This women is my doctor, my friend, and someone that means so much to me. She has done to 2 liposcopic surgeries on me in the past and another outpatient deal and now this. She just got back this week from being on with her own family illnesses, so she didn't know anything that was going on. She told me she could do this and hugged me big time. I knew she had had one herself years back. I felt bad for leaving Dr. S in the wind but there is no one that can replace Dr. K. So I know today was the day it was all suppose to happen and this was all preplanned even down to the surgeon. What was weird was last night I kept remembering Dr. K doing the other surgeries and was remembering how everything was okay before and this one would be ok too,And then at the hospital....there she was.
THANK YOU GOD again and again.

I wish I could write more but feeling sick so time to pass out....love you all and thanks for all the prayers.

Another night with no sleep

Can't sleep, go figure. The doctor called me tonight and he agreed that a D&C was a good idea. I thought we would maybe do it Friday but he is thinking he may can do it tomorrow or Thursday. I guess he knows how important it is to get it all of this over with. So by the weekend I will no longer be pregnant. How do people do it?

The end of the road

Well the doctor said that my levels did go up but everything else seemed to point to a miscarriage. There is still no sign of a fetal poll and now my uterus is thinning. My choices are to do blood work again and wait to pass everything naturally or to schedule a D&C. I couldn't decide at the doctors office, I couldn't really talk at all but as I was taking a shower an hour later I got this over powering feeling that I should just go ahead and schedule the D&C. So I got out and called the doctor. Now I wait to see when they can do it.

I never thought I would go this route but I never thought I would have to. As I am sad, I am still grateful. I know I say that now and when the D&C day comes I will probably be dieing inside but I know in my heart there is no baby inside me and I know that this is all the way it is suppose to be. I thank God for letting me have it easier then some and for those others I commend you because I couldn't imagine. I am lucky it is all happening this early and that there was never an actual fetus that formed so technically I am not getting rid of a baby, instead I am getting rid of what the baby should have been in but never was. I am actually just making my body come to it's senses and instead of my body thinking it is pregnant I am doing the D&C to tell it to WAKE UP AND get back to normal.

There is no explanation of why my levels keep going up and still there is no fetal poll and now my uterus is thinning...all of it is God doing his thing. Amazing how our body works, how he made it to work. We have an awesome God! Even when bad things happen they all happen for a good reason, sometimes we just don't know what that reason is.

To all of you that have sent emails and cards and comments. Thank you. Your prayers have made me so much stronger and they have helped in so many ways. I will be thinking of you all in the days to come. Let's just pray that no one has to go through any of this. I know there still will be times when it happens to people and just keep them in your prayers as well.

Thank you all. We love you!

A little to cheer about

Here's a little something to cheer about. My Harmon levels went up but they are suppose to go up 66% every 3 days. Mine went from 627 to 978 in 2 days so as it isn't the best it still is good news. However my progesterone levels should be high and are very low. So the doctor gave me some pills to make my progesterone rise. He said if this pregnancy wasn't meant to be these pills wouldn't make something happen if it isn't suppose to. (Well of course not, God is the one in control, not a pill) However if it is suppose to be then they will help things move along. He didn't do an ultrasound because he said that it really was too early to tell anything and that I am bleeding but not like I would be during a miscarriage. That too means nothing because again, they just don't know. If my harmon levels had went down then they would know but since they went up...nothing is known at this time. I have to go back on Monday and get my blood taken again (it looks like I shoot up now) and then on Tuesday I should know if the levels went up or down again. Same thing, if they went up then good if down then I am having a miss miscarriage, meaning I am loosing what is there. Regardless I go back next Wednesday as well to do another ultrasound to see what is left inside and/or what the process inside is compared the everything else.

The doctor said it is just too early to say one way or another. So I have to wait. God is really teaching me patience with this whole thing and well if you know me...I have none...until now. So it really was good news today, however, I don't want to think of it that way. I don't want to start thinking I am pregnant again because I still could be miscarrying. I have already put in my mind that there is no baby and I keep checking before I flush to see if everything has come out yet. I am afraid if I stop looking or stop thinking negative that I will just be let down next week. I hate waiting but if I am pregnant I will have another 9 months of waiting and if I am not I may have several more weeks of waiting. I have read that some people don't actually pass the tissue and everything for up to 5 to 6 weeks. I could actually bleed this long. I can't imagine 5 more weeks of bleeding, not knowing, and looking behind me. UGH.

Regardless so far the prayers are working in my favor. I know it had already been planned, what is suppose to happen but prayer doesn't hurt! I thank you all for your emails and comments, prayers and love. Please keep praying. Maybe everything will be okay and the baby will be okay as well, I don't know and won't for at least another week or so but I know I feel the power of prayer around me and I am so grateful for all of you.

Thanks again. I love you all.

Miracles

Emily when to her 2 year old appointment today and I saw an old friend there one I have wondered about for years. Her name is Olivia. I just always thought so much of her and I have always wondered what had happened to her. I finally found out!

Olivia has a baby boy that is 8 weeks old and a little girl that is 4. I told her that Emily was our only one and I told her that this week I actually found out I had miscarried. Old Olivia came out, she is so caring. She told me several stories about others that had miscarried. One I can't believe. A girl miscarried and then got pregnant with triplets. The triplets were delivered early and in days they all died but now that couple has a wonderful healthy little girl and they couldn't be happier. Man I am lucky! I don't think I could make it through that. Not many people could.

You don't always hear all the bad stories. So many people now have told me about others that have miscarried or lost a child in some way or another. I have nothing to be upset about, not compared to what others have gone through. What I am experiencing is so big to me but in reality it is so tiny.

I still do wonder why it all happens. Why are there people that have 2 or 3 kids that they can't even take care of? Then there are those like Olivia told me about, a perfect couple lost 4 before they even got 1. I know that we aren't suppose to ask and we will never know while here on earth but still, don't you wonder?

One more thought...I finally ran into Olivia after not seeing her since 1994, all these years and when I am experiencing this there she is to tell me a story to show me how good I have it.

Dear God

I am bleeding pretty bad now as you know and I figure this is part of the miscarriage process. I just wish my body would hurry up and get back to normal. Why is this happening? I know you are behind everything and I know it could be worse. I know this happens to a lot of people and I know you wouldn't put anything on me that I couldn't handle. I know you are with me all the way and I know I am not suppose to question any of this but I can't help but wonder why.

Everytime I go to the bathroom I keep thinking of my child falling out into the water. God I know it has happened to people before that didn't want their child but I did want her. Why can't I get that image out of my head? Why do I feel so lost, why is this happening?

I am a good mom to Emily, right? I mean I think I am and I know I questioned being a mom to two children instead of just one but I know I could have done it. I wanted to do it. I know I said there was so much for me to do before this one got here but I didn't mean that in a bad way. You know I like to be busy. I am sorry if I did something wrong or said something wrong. Please forgive me.

I know this happens to people everyday and I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, but still for some reason I do. I know there was never a fetus there, nothing formed but I still feel like she was inside me. I still feel like I lost a child. God I am sorry for questioning you. I know all this happened for some reason or another and I know you are only doing what is best for all of us.

I don't know if it is meant for me to ever have another child. As you know I don't really want to go through any of this again so I can't imagine getting pregnant another time. Whatever you have planned for me and my family just know I thank you and I trust you. Just please help us all get passed this and please let everything quickly get back to normal.

I love you now, forever, and always. Thank you for everything,
AMEN

No sleep for me tonight

So I can't sleep. It is about 1 in the morning and here I sit in front of this darn computer!

Today has had it's ups and downs. I look at Emily in a different way now. I am so lucky to have her. I can't really be mad that I am having all these problems, I mean some people don't even have one child, I have already been blessed with a great little girl. I would love another one but right now my thoughts are on Emily. I think that if this would have happened when I was pregnant with her it would have been a lot harder, I would have had a break down. But now that I have her, I focus on her. You know if you what I mean if you are a parent or are close to any child, your child is your world and your world no longer stops because of what is going on you with mentally or physically. I can't let this stop me, before Emily it would have but now it can't. Besides, I know now more then ever, it will be okay. I am so grateful for Emily, today just helped me see that even more.

I do want to send many thanks to all my friends. I haven't told everyone what is going on with me, to be honest I am tired of telling the story of today. Some know and others have looked at my blog and well it is a great way to tell people what you want them to know but don't want to have to tell them. So for all the prayers...Thank You...for all the comments...I thank you. I really do appreciate the love you are sending my way. Friends...they are the best! I love you all and Thanks you for everything!

Today...was a long day. It is weird how the bad days in your life seem to just linger on and those great days (like when you are on vacation) those days just fly by. Why is that? Uhmmm, the things thought of when awake late at night!

Thanks again everyone! I love you!

NO baby

I went to the doctor today only to find out that what I believed was true. They couldn't see a fetal pole...only a sac. Therefore it is either too early instead of 6 weeks I would be 4 or I miscarried. I thought I had prepared for it but I don't guess I did.

I don't know how but I knew all of this was going to happen. I really knew something wasn't right, even when I told everyone last week. I guess I was trying to just not listen to what my heart and body was saying. The excitement overcame me. I am glad it is all happening now rather then 3 months or 5 months or 9 months down the road. I know God has it all worked out. The doctor said there was nothing I could do or not do, that the wrong sperm just met the wrong egg. Good way of looking at it.

The bad part is I won't really know anything until the sac passes or until Friday. I have to go back Thursday to get my blood work done to see if my Harmon levels are going up or down and then Friday I am suppose to call and find out what they were from today compared to Thursday. If they are going up then I am earlier then they thought and all should be okay, otherwise, I am miscarrying. Another...unknown thing during pregnancy, ugh? I guess I am going to go ahead and prepare that I have miscarried. I don't want to keep my hopes up to just get them pushed down in 4 more days. So, no baby number two anytime soon.

I hate it and I am so sad. Torn actually but then again, I feel literally God hold me right now. His arms are around me so tight and I know it will all be okay. NO matter how much I cry or how bad it hurts I know he is taking care of it all.

Pregnancy the second time around.

This past weeks has been so hard. I have been so tired. What is worse is I am so scared something is wrong with the baby and I am going to miscarry. I remember thinking this with Emily but everything is so different this time. This weekend I started hurting, like cramps. Then today, the pain was so bad I called the doctor. They said it was normal however, tonight I saw blood, not much but there was some. Enough to freak me out and well I can't sleep as you can imagine. I am going to insist to the doctor that I come in tomorrow. I hate not knowing. I just want to see the baby and know everything is okay. I know it is all in God's hands and I know he won't put anything on me I can't handle. I have faith but still I am scared.

I remember the hard part of pregnancy now...it's the unknown. You always wonder how everything is inside you. You don't know if it is a boy or girl until 20 weeks and then you never know what they look like until they are here. You never know the day the life began nor do you know when it could end. You don't know if they will be healthy or ill. You just don't know anything.

I think pregnancy draws you closer to God. I mean to feel and see the life inside you. To know he did this. He gave us life so that we could make life. Amazing isn't it? He is so good. So awesome and being pregnant reminds you of it. On days like today when the pain is so bad you can't get up, when you're in tears, God does something amazing...he sends your 2 year old over to you. She holds you and gives you her bear, as she pats you on the back. Maybe you just have a wonderful child and maybe this is God's little way of saying it will be okay or maybe he is reminding you what the pain leads to, I don't know, but I do know he never leaves you to be alone.