NO baby

I went to the doctor today only to find out that what I believed was true. They couldn't see a fetal pole...only a sac. Therefore it is either too early instead of 6 weeks I would be 4 or I miscarried. I thought I had prepared for it but I don't guess I did.

I don't know how but I knew all of this was going to happen. I really knew something wasn't right, even when I told everyone last week. I guess I was trying to just not listen to what my heart and body was saying. The excitement overcame me. I am glad it is all happening now rather then 3 months or 5 months or 9 months down the road. I know God has it all worked out. The doctor said there was nothing I could do or not do, that the wrong sperm just met the wrong egg. Good way of looking at it.

The bad part is I won't really know anything until the sac passes or until Friday. I have to go back Thursday to get my blood work done to see if my Harmon levels are going up or down and then Friday I am suppose to call and find out what they were from today compared to Thursday. If they are going up then I am earlier then they thought and all should be okay, otherwise, I am miscarrying. Another...unknown thing during pregnancy, ugh? I guess I am going to go ahead and prepare that I have miscarried. I don't want to keep my hopes up to just get them pushed down in 4 more days. So, no baby number two anytime soon.

I hate it and I am so sad. Torn actually but then again, I feel literally God hold me right now. His arms are around me so tight and I know it will all be okay. NO matter how much I cry or how bad it hurts I know he is taking care of it all.